What Did I Learn?

The young couple were getting together to plan for their wedding and marriage.  They both are committed to conscious and clear communication so they asked if I would guide them through some conversations to gently pressure test their relationship.  "Sure!", I said.  I love this stuff.

But then, they said, "But we want to celebrate!  We don't always want it to be just about the hard stuff!"

I could have been offended.  I've been told many times that having me around is hard.  And, I took their comment to heart.

While I've known about the idea of "Appreciative Inquiry" for a long time, I have just recently integrated it into every relationship check in.  It's simple.  Even when there are glaring areas for improvement, we can start in a place of appreciation.  

• "What are you accomplishing?"  
• "What are you feeling really good about?"  
• "What did you get across the finish line?" 

Any of these questions shift us to a place of appreciation which then provides an opportunity for a bunch of other good questions:

• What are we learning in these successes?
• What would an outside observer say were the key success factors?
• What positive behaviors did we bring to the table?

And then, from a place of appreciation, the conversation can shift to look at areas where we are not as satisfied.

• Where are we stuck?
• Where did we not get it done?
• What can we learn from our successes that might help us make a shift?

My desire is to capture learnings anytime I've done something well.  And then, use those learnings to give myself a boost in the areas where I feel stuck or blocked.

At the end of the weekend, they said, "That wasn't so bad, Vince.  Thanks."

Onward!

V

Am I Listening?

A while back, someone said to me, “Wow, Vince, you’re such a good listener!”  It made me wonder what it’s like to be a bad listener!  So, I asked some folks.  Here are some headlines for what I have learned about Egregiously Bad Listening:

• I’m here to Fix You.  (No matter what you say, I have the solution.)
• Make it All About Me.  (You think you have it bad!  Let me tell you about my life…)
• Should on You.  (You shouldn’t feel that way!  You shouldn’t think that!  There is something wrong with you!)
• Isn’t that Sweet?  (You obviously don’t understand what’s really going on).

 And the list could go on.

 I tend to know that I am listening by what comes out of my mouth after the speaker finishes.  There’s a good chance I’ve been listening well when my response starts with any of these phrases:

• "It sounds like you…”
• “It makes sense that you would feel…”
• “Let me see if I’m understanding you…”

 I can also check!  “Did I get that right?”

 What do you think?

 Onward!

 V