Tuesday, September 12, 2023

What would guide your steps in a gap year?

In March of this year I decided to end all of my current work and take a gap year in 2024.  It’s been a process of letting go, handing off, and ending well.   Let’s unpack this a bit!

The facts are I’ve been working independently as a solo facilitator since 2006.  Before that, I spent 25 years climbing through a career in organizational leadership development.  I’m turning 65 in 2024.  I can cover a year of living expenses without dipping into my retirement savings.  My kids are well launched and don’t look to me for much more than loving on their kids now and then.  Those are a few of the facts.

The stories I make up are many. 

·     “You’re old and it’s time to turn it over to a rising generation.”

·     “You’re young and have plenty of fuel in the tank to create impact.”

·     “Everyone only knows you in your “Leader” persona.  They may not like you if you leave that persona behind.”

·     “You have been doing the same thing so long you have completely lost touch with your earlier desires, passions, and interests.”

·     “Your body might stick with you, or it might have a different idea.  One never knows.”

·     “You don’t know what to do with yourself when there is nothing you have to do.  You’ll  become a slug on the couch and likely die a lonely death face down in a gutter.” 

I could go on.

When I think of all that, I feel anxious.

What I want is to curate a full life and be open to the uncertain adventure.  I want a world grounded in love and belonging.

Is there more?  Of course there is more!

For the most part, I have the world I want.  My circles extend across the globe and in my hometowns.  I have good people around me who accept that I am not “full time” anywhere or with anyone.  My world is diverse and stimulating.  The “magnitude of change” between my current state and any desired future is very small.  The big question comes as I allow my current state to wind down and invite a moment standing at the precipice of the unknown.

What I know about myself in this is that I am almost always optimistic.  I don’t camp long on the “Island of Victims” and have a track record of taking stock, adjusting, pivoting, and making the best of the circumstances that are in front of me.  Why I think that might change is rooted in the difference of “internally motivated change” and “externally forced change.”  Most of my transition moments have been driven by external events.  I got fired.  A relationship ended.  My kids grew up.  I adjusted to those realities.

This time is different.  I am creating the change.  I am bringing curiosity to what 65+ wants to look like.  And it scares me.  I’ve had enough health issues to know that capacity changes sometimes in the blink of an eye.  If I let go of the fear and anxiety there is a risk that I will flounder, and there is the possibility that I will thrive and discover a whole new path.  I choose to take the risk.

What then will guide my steps?  Here are a few of my ideas.

·     Be gentle.  Live the life I am living and adjust to the reality of a “mostly blank” calendar.  Capture learnings in the quiet moments.

·     Look at this as a series of experiments.  Design low-cost probes.  Take some risk.  Do some things differently than I have in the past and intentionally learn from the results.

·     Connect with others on similar journeys.  Observe.  Engage.  Stay curious and suspend judgment on anyone else’s choices or pathways.

·     Have fun.  When feeing anxious make the shift to appreciation.  Re-focus on what I have over what I don’t have.  Find the joy in every circumstance.

 There is likely more.  And, I’d love to hear your story.

 What would guide your steps in a gap year?

Friday, June 30, 2023

The Coffee Cup

A million years ago I took on re-developing an outdoor leadership camp in the High Sierras of California.  What we started with was rustic, rough, and run down.  An old marine generator would put some flicker into a few light bulbs, there were ancient propane-powered refrigerators, the cabins were a patchwork of styles that served as better homes for rodents than people, and the water came from a straw stuck into the creek that ran through camp.  I loved it.

We got to work.  Built a new chapel area.  Added a deck onto the dining hall and moved the outdoor tables off the dirt.  Cleaned up the cabins as best we could.  Dug a 1/2 mile ditch and connected to both  town water and power, retiring the old water vault and marine generator.  I loved it even more.

We were serving about 100 people and the two Wolfe Range ovens and griddle were adequate.   We had a 1929 Hobart Mixer which the Hobart Company refurbished for free they were so impressed it was still in use. With power we had a brand new commercial refrigerator and freezer.  

Unlike our bigger camp properties, we ran the kitchen with volunteers who committed to join us only for a week.  For each meal, someone took on the "griddle-meister" role, "salad maker", "buffet line host" and such.  We served breakfast and then everyone including the cooks packed a sack lunch for their day of outdoor adventuring.  We'd come back to the kitchen around 4 to prepare dinner.  And, this is the part I really loved.

If pressed, I knew I could have gotten any meal out on my own.  But, on any given week, there would be 4-6 folks who had come to camp specifically to serve the hundred or so campers.  These were business owners, donors, professionals, parents and grandparents.  Their experience of serving was part of the magic we wanted to create.  So, the question became, "What do I do with me while they cook?"  

"Not all of us are made to cook.  Some of us are made to have conversations with those who are cooking."

And, this is where the coffee cup comes into the story.  I would hold one.  Almost always.  Because, if I was holding a coffee cup I wasn't doing anything.  I was coaching, cheering, and conversating.  Sure, I'd maybe grab a box of something out of the pantry or show someone how to quickly stem a strawberry (just ask me sometime), but the coffee cup reminded me that my best contribution was not in cooking, but in accompanying.  I'd get teased regularly by the cooks and yet they also appreciated what I was doing by not doing.

Michael Eisner (the former Disney CEO) was involved with us and we talked once about his book "Camp" and his early learnings. Well, this is one of the things I learned about leadership at camp.  I learned that "my lane" as the CEO was to accompany others on their journey of growth, development, leadership, and success.  And, what I really learned was how much those I was leading appreciated it when I stayed in my lane.  Success became their success.  

I doubt if anyone notices it today, but on every 1:1 video conference call, the first thing the person I am meeting with sees is me taking a sip from a coffee cup.  It's a subtle (too subtle?) way to remind them (and me!) that "this hour is about you, your growth, your success."

So, when are you cooking, and when might you be better holding The Coffee Cup?

Saturday, April 29, 2023

Stressful Week?

This week was exhausting.  I feel depleted.  Last minute additional travel with venue changes.  Challenging group.  Very little down time.  Eating and drinking a bit off the rails.

What do I know when I am feeling this way?
          • Best to only make decisions that must be made right now.
          • Gentleness goes a long way.  Be gentle.
          • Take time to slow down.  Breathe.  
          • Take a walk.  Get a good workout.
          • Do some simple tasks like laundry and grocery shopping.
While it is not always pretty, these work for me.  How about you?

V

Friday, March 31, 2023

When I'm 64

It was the summer of 1971.  Kim Stamper and I were in a summer school theatre production and sang the Beatles' "When I'm 64".  You remember the lyrics... "...When I get older losing my hair many years from now..." and finally, ..."Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64??"  Kim pinged me on Facebook last year when she turned 64.  

And now, it's here for me.  What's my reflection?

I've eaten caviar in a foreign ministry and searched for a mysterious Bao Bao tree on the African Savannah.  I've served meals hanging out in a homeless center and BBQ'd for 600 to support a friend on his cancer journey.  I've been to a wet market in China and been offered drugs on the streets of Jamaica.  I've wandered the ancient Sikh in Amman and gotten lost in the Scottish Highlands.  Played with cutting edge robotics and seen the Dead Sea scrolls.  Done scavenger hunts in San Juan and Frisco, and trespassed on a military base to float the Salinas.  I've seen James Taylor in every decade and a salon quartet in Vienna.  Walked the Silk Road in the Caucasus and topped a dozen 14'rs in Colorado.

And... it's not the places.  It's the people.

Family.  Rec Lab. The Y.  YPO.  My Colorado and Palm Springs Tribes.  Partners.  Neighbors.  Lifelong friends.  Even when on the road alone, it's always the people who are most memorable.  The Muslim shop owner in Jerusalem sitting down for a coffee and sharing his story.  The guy in Revelstoke jumping on his mountain bike to ride his favorite trail together.  The fellow surf hosteller in Eraceira and the AirBnB host in Belfast.  The couple from Melbourne learning Italian in Taormina and the owner of the French Winery passing through the desert on New Years.  The Sicilian Gang in Sciacca and the Villa Roca crew in Costa Rica.  

It's always about the people.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?  The evidence says, yes!  And I love you all.

Coming up... By the end of the year, an ending to all of my current work and then an intentional gap year to see what kind of good trouble gets stirred up for 65 and beyond.  It's going to be fun.  

Onward!

V


Tuesday, December 27, 2022

What Did I Learn?

The young couple were getting together to plan for their wedding and marriage.  They both are committed to conscious and clear communication so they asked if I would guide them through some conversations to gently pressure test their relationship.  "Sure!", I said.  I love this stuff.

But then, they said, "But we want to celebrate!  We don't always want it to be just about the hard stuff!"

I could have been offended.  I've been told many times that having me around is hard.  And, I took their comment to heart.

While I've known about the idea of "Appreciative Inquiry" for a long time, I have just recently integrated it into every relationship check in.  It's simple.  Even when there are glaring areas for improvement, we can start in a place of appreciation.  

  • "What are you accomplishing?"  
  • "What are you feeling really good about?"  
  • "What did you get across the finish line?" 
Any of these questions shift us to a place of appreciation which then provides an opportunity for a bunch of other good questions:
  • What are we learning in these successes?
  • What would an outside observer say were the key success factors?
  • What positive behaviors did we bring to the table?
And then, from a place of appreciation, the conversation can shift to look at areas where we are not as satisfied.
  • Where are we stuck?
  • Where did we not get it done?
  • What can we learn from our successes that might help us make a shift?
My desire is to capture learnings anytime I've done something well.  And then, use those learnings to give myself a boost in the areas where I feel stuck or blocked.

At the end of the weekend, they said, "That wasn't so bad, Vince.  Thanks."

Onward!

V

Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Am I Listening?

A while back, someone said to me, “Wow, Vince, you’re such a good listener!”  It made me wonder what it’s like to be a bad listener!  So, I asked some folks.  Here are some headlines for what I have learned about Egregiously Bad Listening:

  • I’m here to Fix You.  (No matter what you say, I have the solution.)
  • Make it All About Me.  (You think you have it bad!  Let me tell you about my life…)
  • Should on You.  (You shouldn’t feel that way!  You shouldn’t think that!  There is something wrong with you!)
  • Isn’t that Sweet?  (You obviously don’t understand what’s really going on).

 And the list could go on.

 I tend to know that I am listening by what comes out of my mouth after the speaker finishes.  There’s a good chance I’ve been listening well when my response starts with any of these phrases:

  • "It sounds like you…”
  • “It makes sense that you would feel…”
  • “Let me see if I’m understanding you…”

 I can also check!  “Did I get that right?”

 What do you think?

 Onward!

 V

Sunday, May 1, 2022

What Picture Are They Holding of You?

During a recent forum retreat I shared about a relationship that has had its ups and downs in my life.  It's been a long time since I've felt close and comfortable with the person in question.  Even though I was noting some recent interactions that were very positive, I was reluctant to determine that the relationship was "close."

A member in the group asked me a question that struck a chord.  "Vince, it sounds like you are assuming that the other person is holding an old picture of you.  It doesn't sound like you've let their perceptions of you evolve.  I wonder what picture they are holding of you today?"

What?!?  Let me unpack this.

Sometimes, when I am believing something to be true (in this case, how I am being viewed by someone), no amount of contrary evidence can alter the belief.  I cling to the certainty of my belief.  On the other hand, when I'm open to challenging the long-held belief, all the evidence can be put in the balance and I can choose a new belief.  I teach this stuff!  Damn.

Another opportunity to have a look, let go, accept myself, update the belief, and continue the journey.

Onward!

V  

What would guide your steps in a gap year?

In March of this year I decided to end all of my current work and take a gap year in 2024.  It’s been a process of letting go, handing off, ...