What do you Want?

"I want to be more fit!"
"I want to eat less!"
"I want more time for fun!"

Getting clear on what I want is a big step toward getting it. But, figuring out what I want is sometimes not all that easy. Because if I knew what I wanted I probably would have already gotten it.

Wants describe a desired future. But often our wants are rooted in the past... and keep us anchored to the past. Let me explain...

When I state a want as a "more" or "less" I am anchoring myself to the past because the starting point being described is now. And by tomorrow, now is yesterday. Better to describe my want as a statement anchored to the point in the future where I have achieved it:

"My want is to be fit to pursue the activities I enjoy."
"My want is to eat well."

Sometimes a want can be stated as if it has already been accomplished, as in:

"I do something I enjoy every day."

These kinds of positively stated wants give direction to my life and provide a simple tool for evaluating every action. "My want is to eat well. How does the triple fudge brownie cake with ice cream on top align with that want?"

What do you want?

Unpacking Boxes

My back hurts. At this point in life, I would not have expected the script to read “moving into a leased condo…” At once I am frustrated that the place I was buying fell out of escrow after 6 months at the seller’s initiative… and sad that my “place” in life is not more settled. The script was supposed to read… “work your career, pay off your home, ride off into the sunset…” But sometimes the script doesn’t turn as I expect. My sense of place is all haywire. In the work I do, home is defined by the location of my toothbrush and IPod. My relationships are scattered across the globe. There is very little “grounding” my life.

So, what am I holding on to?

Well first I am holding onto a story of what life was supposed to be. I’ve always aimed at doing what I was supposed to do. Hmm. Maybe that’s an issue. Perhaps, we are meant to follow our desire, our bigger wants, our vision, our unique gifts… and not so much follow the path of “supposed to.” So, in a sense, this time might be about letting go of “supposed to” and embracing the more mature “want to.” Hmm.

Another is a story that “place” is grounding. Everyone tells me I need a base camp, a home, a man cave in order to be grounded and at peace. I’m beginning to think that maybe that’s their story and perhaps not mine. Maybe there is another story.

In any event, I’ve moved to a new town (10 miles from where I’ve lived for 25 years…not a big jump). Nice ocean view. 10-minute walk to a new coffee spot. Big garage. And, as my friend Michael McGinnis wrote… It’s All Good.

So, what story are you holding on to?

Onward!

Thanks

I’ve had the good fortune of travelling around much of the world and, like Dorothy, always conclude that there is “no place like home.” Southern California and the 16,000,000 other folks all huddled on the edge of the mighty blue pacific is home. I love it here.

One of my favorite things is to meet up with a friend at the beach for a walk, run, paddle, or surf. I love the ocean. I love the rhythm, the ebb and flow, the depth, the mystery.

Sometimes when I’m at the beach though I find myself focusing on the big bazillion dollar McMansions stacked next to each other on the bluffs and the fancy cars lined up at the Ritz Carlton valet and the exclusive beach club and all the things that money buys and I notice that my mind has wandered to all that I don’t have. And then, when I become conscious of it, I’ll shift my focus onto what I do have… the beauty of creation, a good friend to walk, run, paddle, or surf with, the good fortune to live in a country where I can think and speak and pray and go about life as I choose to… and I move to a place of appreciation and gratitude and thanks.

What about you?

What's the Risk?

"I've never been much of a leader. I'm more of a follower," he said.

"Huh. What might happen if you stepped into leading here?"

"I'd make a mistake. I'd waste time. I'd lose money."

"Huh. What else might happen... what might you get?"

"Some freedom. Doing what I want to do... something I'm passionate about."

"Huh. So, it sounds like you've set your life up so that by not taking the risk of a mistake or wasting time you don't ever lead and get what you really want... freedom and passion."

"Hmm."

"How's that working for you?"

"It's not."

"So, are you willing to take the risk of leading, of making a mistake or wasting time or losing money to get what you really want?"

"Well, yeah. I think so."

"I'll take that as a no. You'll know it's a yes when it comes clearly as "YES" from your gut and your heart. Anything else is a no."

"Thanks. Yes. I'm willing to take the risk."

"Great. What would support for you look like?"

And, on it goes...

Happy All The Time

I own my judgment around those who pursue happiness… to me it seems hedonistic, narcissistic, and addictive… take a happy pill, get an adrenaline rush, live like it’s forever Saturday night and life is a party. So, when a friend suggested I read a book titled, “What Happy People Know”* I scoffed. He laughed. And then I read it.

My cynical critic was online as I cracked the first chapters. The author talked about evolution like it was scientific fact and made all kinds of unsupported assertions about the human condition... it was easy to put the book into the category of “feel good fluff.” I kept reading.

And then he began to explore the biological and biochemical realities of our brain structure and system, quoting legitimate research on emotional responses and brain chemistry. I was hooked.

Two quotes resonated:

“Contemporary fear almost always fits into one of two categories: fear of not having enough and fear of not being enough. Having enough and being enough are the two factors that best ensure survival in the modern world, so fears about them are rooted to the core of the neurological fear system. They’re as deep as the fear of death...”

“…The antidote for fear is love… And the purest form of love is appreciation.”

So, he had me. He scientifically described a condition that I have long suspected… that fear and love cannot occur simultaneously. And that the surest way to move from fear is to appreciate. And when we appreciate, we are tapping into the joy of who we are and who we were created to be. And that makes me happy.


*Dan Baker, PhD, “What Happy People Know” New York: St. Martins Press. 2003

You Did What?

So, my mom calls the other day to share her latest adventure. Turns out there was a little party store in her town in the desert that was for sale. She had known about it for months and it had been like a little a pot of soup cooking... she'd been playing with the idea, adding a little salt, pondering on how it might fit into her life and what she wanted, letting it simmer. And then, she bought it.

What?

Now, I won't give you my mom's age, but you can approximate based on the fact that I'm 50. So, what is she doing buying a store?!? That rents bounce houses and sells pinatas?!?

Well, maybe she's acting on purpose. She knows who she is and who she's not. She's not the grandma ready to sit in the rocking chair. She's vibrant, alive. She desires to be connected with people. And who better to connect with than people throwing a party?

Recently she was reminiscing about the parties we used to throw when I was a kid. Fourth of July was the big event, but there were also halloween parties and pool parties, political parties, and just about any other excuse for a party... even the "Wizard of Oz on our new Color TV Party". I wonder now if she was thinking of the party store when she was reminiscing?

In any event, it's worthy of a post because it begs the question...

How are you acting... and living... on purpose?

I can't see it

"But I can't see what that would look like!"

You're right! You can't see the future. All you can do is make up a story of what you think the future will hold. And, in my case, I often make up the wrong story.

I've had the pleasure of climbing some big mountains over the years. One of the things I've come to appreciate is that while you can often see the summit from the trailhead, you can NEVER see the whole trail. And, there is almost always a surprise. I'm thinking of the keyhole on Long's Peak... the hidden notch on Mount Powell... the needles on Whitney... a moment that can't be seen from the trailhead and the only way to experience it is to get your feet on the trail!

So, I'm with a guy the other day and he says "I can't see what it will look like 6 months from now." And, I said, "Of course! All you can do is put your foot on the trail today. What would that look like? What is the risk of stepping forward?"

Onward!

V