What Did I Learn?

"As a marketing professional by day, I recall a presentation I led a few years back. I gave a marketing 101 course to colleagues in the non-profit sector—and the day after, a mentor I greatly respect asked me, "So, what did you learn?"

I was a little thrown off.  I asked myself, "What does he mean what did I 'learn?' After all, I gave the presentation! Shouldn't the question be 'What did THEY learn?'"

Vince asked me again, "So, what did YOU learn?"

I get it now. It's about being consistently curious and learning something about ourselves in everything we do. From that day forward, "What did I learn?" has become a question I've asked myself countless times - nearly daily. It's applicable to professional work, family life...and yes, my career as a professional magician. It's especially revealing when you ask this after you TEACH someone something, because even when we are on the teaching side, we are learning too!

Try it. Be curious. Learn on the go. Grow."

Couldn't have said it better myself.  Thanks John.

Onward!

From good friend and magician John Guastaferro... Click for his website.

Betty White, Queen Elizabeth, and Aunt Pat

My British friends might pop a gasket reading this, but after last night's "olympic performance" by the Queen herself in the James Bond flick, I see an interesting similarity between the emergence of Betty White as America's "cool grandmother" and the emergence of the Queen as the world's.  So, what is it about the cool grandma that captures us?

I think we all want someone in our lives who is constant.  Betty White has been with us through every stage of American life for the last 50 years.  We've watched her change and mature and play a million different characters but she is ALWAYS Betty White.  She gives us a sense that no matter what we've done, or how bad we've messed it up, that she will be there with cookies and milk for us.  She is unflappable.  Have you ever seen Betty White "lose it"?  I can't remember it.  And then, a couple of years ago she's on Saturday Night Live doing a skit on "muffins" and is a riot, and shows she is not just the constant, but the cool constant.  Betty White is cool to every generation.  She defies and crosses all age barriers.

And, now the Queen is playing a bond girl.  Holy Cow!  That was the coolest sketch I have ever seen.  I fully expected to see Meryl Streep turn around and say "Good Evening, Mr. Bond".  But NOOOO!  It was the Queen herself.  HOW COOL!  I said to a friend today that the Queen must have gotten a new PR agent because she has completely re-branded the monarchy.  Between the kids getting married, her jubilee, appearances at unexpected places with unexpected people... the Queen has emerged as cool.  And, she is a constant.  She has been with the world through every up and down for sixty years and more.  She is a cool constant.

Bringing it closer to home, I am thankful for my own cool constant Aunt Pat.  She's turning 81 today and is with a bunch of her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids in Oregon.  Back in the day, she called herself my "Aunt Chatty Patty" and would admonish us to "brush our pearly whites" every morning.  I've got a million good memories of hanging out with Aunt Pat.

I believe we all need and desire those in our lives who are both cool and constant.  Cool in that they connect with us, as opposed to looking for us to connect with them.  And constant in that they are unflappable.  No matter how bad it is, they are still there for us.

An opportunity to reflect perhaps... "who is cool and constant in your life?"  And then, "Who looks to you as their 'cool and constant' one?"

Onward!

V

What might the other side be thinking?

"Wow.  It sounds like you've got a lot going on with this issue."
"You're right about that.  What should I do?"
"Good question.  But first, what do you think the folks on the other side of this issue are thinking."
Blank stare.
"Um.  Good question.  Never thought of that.  I'm not really sure."
"Have you asked?"
"Well, no.  Not really."
"Huh.  What would be the risk of asking?"
"No risk. I guess I've just never thought I could!"

It forces us outside of ourselves when we think about what all those on the "other side" of any issue are thinking... our partners, spouses, kids, workers, stakeholders.  And, to look at any issue from another perspective is good!  It opens our mind up to new possibilities.  New strategies seem to appear from nothing.  Anxiety seems to melt away.

So, with whatever difficult or sticky situation you are chewing on right now... "What might the person on the other side of this issue be thinking?"

Onward!

V

Lights, Camera!

So, a friend of mine has been approached by the casting director of a new reality TV show.  They are looking for an "over-the-top" personality smack in the middle of his field.  He might be perfect.

"But, I'm not that over-the top," he said.

"Of course not!  Do you really think that any reality TV player is really the way they are?"

"But, then it wouldn't be me out there."

"Okay.  But, perhaps it could be part of you... a persona you play... a character to step into.  It's like Lady Gaga... is she Lady Gaga when she is brushing her teeth, or is she Stefani?"

I went on to poke around with who we really ARE in any moment... because... the moment I begin to become the person you want me to be I am stepping into persona... into character... I'm molding me to the moment.  Is that okay?

I think sometimes it is.  I think it's okay to become friends with the whole cast of characters inside me.  It's okay to embrace my outdoor zen nature boy right alongside my executive c-suite leader.  It's all me!  And, sometimes it's fun to amplify a part of me to serve the moment.  Because, I'm still me.

What do you think?

Taboo Topics

"So, tell me about the thoughtful conversations you have had with your group around sex and  sexuality."

Silence...  "Well, it does come up now and then.  But typically, someone gets uncomfortable and cracks a joke.  And, that's about the end of it."

It seems to me that there are a number of topics that many groups agree to avoid.  They don't come out and speak their agreement, but the agreement exists nonetheless.  Sex.  Specifics of money. Religion and faith.  All areas where there is likely to be diversity of thoughts, values, and judgments and so we avoid.  We don't want to be the odd one out.  We don't want to challenge the dominant cultural view.  So we stick to safer topics.

If it works for you, keep it.  If it's not working though, there may be another way.

Let's talk about talking about it.  Whatever "it" might be, we can follow a series of questions that pave the way for a meaningful discussion and concrete action.

• "What would be the risk of having a conversation about ____?"
• "Is it worth the risks in order to gain greater satisfaction, understanding, or connection in this area of our lives?"
• "What are the longheld beliefs that might be in play as we engage in this conversation?"  "Where did those beliefs come from?"  "Are they still relevant?"  "What beliefs  are we willing to challenge or forego?"

Assessing the risks and making a conscious choice to engage increases the levels of safety for all involved.  It allows us to keep our feet on the ground and our fears in check.  It promotes our ability to show up with candor and authenticity.  And, that's all good.

Onward!

V

“It’s going to be perfect!”

The perfect event.  The perfect relationship.  The perfect retreat.  In past chapters of life it might have been the perfect budget, the perfect plan, the perfect staff team.  In the stories I make up ahead of time, EVERYTHING is going to be perfect.  I am world-class at creating an idealized future reality.  I think it’s been that way my whole life...  With zen-like ease I will pose the perfect question and have the perfect response.  My partner will do exactly what I think should be done and the group will respond with just the right perspective and glean just the right learning.  The team will continually optimize performance and achieve stellar success. There will be confetti parades and I will bow gracefully with just the perfect mix of humility and confidence. 

And, God help anyone around me when my scene of idealized perfection begins to crack and become the inarguably imperfect human reality.  Just ask my kids.  Or former co-workers or subordinates.  They’ll let you know that when faced with something less than the idealized perfect outcome, I can be surly, snappy, and even a bit salty.   Ouch.

How’s that working for you, Vince?  Well, it stopped working for me a long time ago.

The “driving-to-be-perfect” part has in fact produced some remarkable results throughout my life… revenue growth and capital expansion, early promotion to the executive ranks, recognition and affirmation by professional associations and peer groups.  There is a very positive side to this part of me and I owe it much of my current sense of security and freedom.  And, given the state of things in the formative years of my life, I can see how this “driving-to-be-perfect” part of me helped create a life that was far outside of the family norm.  I appreciate this part of me.

And, it’s gotten me into a fair amount of trouble… distancing and loss of intimacy in personal relationships, unfair dumping on unsuspecting kids, colleagues, and subordinates, internal angst and fear that has spilled out on myself and others…  Yuck.

What to do you want to have happen?

It seems that the challenge of mid-life has been about accepting both the perfect and imperfect parts of me.  It’s been about recognizing that there is both good and bad in all of us, and in just about every situation, and that’s the way life is.  It’s what we do with the good and bad that defines our character.  And, the action I might choose today is different than what I may have chosen on another day when “driving-to-be-perfect” was in the driver’s seat of my life.  Because, today, there is little need to drive to be perfect… because I have arrived… and it is perfect.  Perfect in its imperfection.

Onward!

Have I Mis-Read the Map?

There have been a few times in my life where I've had to stop and admit that I have mis-read the map and that I'm not where I meant to be. It happened a few years ago while hiking on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. I was out on a daytrip on my own and learned later that I had completely missed a critical trail intersection.

Oblivious to my error, I ventured on the wrong trail and did my very best to get the features of the mountains unfolding before me to match what the map told me to expect. "Well, that rock outcropping could be a ravine, I suppose..." and "perhaps the trail has been re-worked and the map doesn't know it, and that's why I'm climbing up where the map says it should be flat..." I successfully convinced myself that I was indeed where I thought I should be.

At some point though, the seeds of doubt did enter my mind. My ability to rationalize the obvious differences between the "map and the mountain" became strained. I became frustrated. And finally, I stopped. And admitted I had made a mistake. And eventually turned around.

And, as I re-traced my steps and began to see where I had gone wrong, and discovered that the map did indeed match the mountain... I laughed.

I laughed at how easily I can see the world according to how I believe it should be. And, I laughed at how often my perceptions are based on a cultural norm or longheld belief that may or may not be applicable. I laughed at how the idea of "you spot it, you got it" can so easily become "I only can spot what I got."

So, the good question might be... "How might I have mis-read the map?" Or better, "How are my longheld beliefs and perceptions informing the way I am seeing this issue?"

And then, I can choose my next steps wisely.