"It Is What It Is"

Or, is it?

This is not one of my favorite lines.  It tends to shut down conversation.  It sounds fatalistic.  Perhaps something Eeyore (of Winnie the Pooh fame) would say.

What is "it"?  Is "it" a fact?  Is "it" a belief?

If "it" is a fact... a verifiable, documentable, recordable, visible morsel of agreed upon data.. then yes,  "it" is what it is.  The facts are the facts.

My brother turned 60 yesterday and he said "it is what it is" and for perhaps the first time I agreed with that statement.  Yes.  The calendar and the clock are what they are.

BUT.

If "it" is a belief, then all bets are off.  Because "it" then isn't what "it" is... "it" is what I believe "it" to be.

WHO CARES?!?

We all should.  Because when we allow beliefs to become facts... like when the boss says "It's true because I said it is true."... then we put ourselves under the control of whoever has the most power in the room, the loudest voice, or the biggest weapons. 

I've gotten into the habit of listening to the news and inserting these words into just about every statement made, like this:

What they say:  "The economy might tank in the next 60 days."

 

What I hear:  "Our belief is the economy might tank in the next 60 days."

When I can hear someone's statement as their belief, I can then say to myself, "How interesting that they have that belief!"  And then, ask myself the question, "What is it I believe?"  which moves me to a more mature posture of curiosity and alignment.

Just another day at the office...

Onward!

V

Why don't you just __Fill in the Blank__?

Let's make it clear that "Why don't you just __fill in the blank___?" does not qualify as a "good question."

1.  Any question that starts with "why" is calling for a defensive response.  You might as well say, "Defend yourself on this point!"

2.  The question comes from a point of view that "__fill in the blank____" is the right thing to do.  Who says?

3.  The question calls power into the relationship.  It says, "You have the power to make me respond to whatever idea you have, regardless of how ill-advised your idea is."

4.  The question assumes that I do not have the ability to develop my own solution from the options that I consider.  It says you do not trust me nor do you value my competence.

5.  The question keeps me distracted from doing my own work and instead focuses me on trying to make you happy by my response.

So, what you think might be a helpful piece of advice is quite often a shaming, de-valuing, dis-empowering, low trust, defensive move.  Yikes!

When I feel compelled to ask someone "why don't you just...?" I can stop, take a breath, let go of my need to be right, and then ask a really good question.  And if I've exhausted all the good questions and still feel compelled to give my solution at least I can ask, "Are you open to hearing the solution I've crafted for your life?"

Onward!

V

What am I feeling?

Journeying down the tumor and neurological inflammation trail the last few years I’ve had a shift in the way I think about pain and different sensations in my body that might be worth sharing here.

 

After a 25-year "no-tears" record (from 15 to 40 years old), I began a pursuit of naming my emotional experience.  I was pretty well shut-off emotionally for a long time, so it was helpful for me to ask "How do I feel?" regularly.  And, to keep it simple, I only used the four primary emotions of anger, sadness, fear, and joy.  I became adept at tying emotion to whatever I was feeling in my body.  I believed myself when I would think, "Oh, my shoulders are tight, I must be mad.”  Or, "that sinking feeling in my gut combined with tears is sadness.  I feel sad." 

 

When all kinds of weird stuff started happening in my body a few years ago I would do the same thing. “Oh, it’s my T2 acting up and causing my feet to go numb” or "My compression fractures are carrying some stress and in pain" and the like.

 

Then, a good friend suggested that I just allow whatever sensations I am having to simply be sensations, and focus on them that way.  In a sense, he said, “Let go of all the story you make up about the sensation and experience it as a sensation.”  It has been incredibly helpful to me.  Instead of getting wrapped up in any kind of made-up story, I can just simply notice my feet feeling numb, or swollen, or painful, or my legs vibrating, or the base of my skull hurting, or any number of other sensations that I feel regularly.  When I focus on them as a sensation, they tend to abate.  It’s kind of odd but it works. 

What I’m learning about inflammation and pretty much all the auto-immune issues is that they are all tied to well-being.  Everything including food, exercise, rest, emotional expression, connection with self and others, creative outlets, prayer and gratitude, mental challenge and meditation… all of it… contributes to reducing inflammation in my body.  And, that's when I feel most alive.

 

Onward!

 

V 

Time to Shift Altitude?

On most days, I live at an elevation of about 6'2".  Whatever is right in front of me is the thing that I focus on or pay attention to.

And sometimes I want to shift altitude.  I want the one-year horizon.  The five year view.  I want to look at today from the vantage point of five years ago or five years from now.  I can go up to 14,000 feet (about as high as I've ever been on Mount Whitney) or jump in an airplane and rise up to 40,000.

And, sometimes, I want to make a twelve inch shift.  That is, the shift from what I can see in front of me, to what it is my heart wants or sees. 

Shifting altitude is about shifting perspective.  Getting out of the emotion of this moment and looking at life through a bigger lens.

Some folks live by the mantra "Live in the Moment!" and that's cool.  But sometimes, I want to let this moment also be lived in the context of the bigger story.

Onward!

Vince 

How is your Warrior?

I love the idea of Archetypes... those characters that live within all of us waiting to be welcomed onto our stage.  My Warrior is a good friend and we've been reflecting about how to mark the benchmark of 40 years on the "battlefield" of the working world.  You see, my first job was at 15 and I turned 55 in March which means I can "retire" at any time and also claim the $1 discount at the local theatre.

To mark the passage, I considered the "clear the decks and take a sabbatical" option but ended up choosing the "one week of vacation each month" option.  And, it's been fun!  Going to Hawaii, Vail, London, New Orleans, and Morro Bay with friends and loved ones ranging from my childhood next door neighbor through virtually every chapter of life up to the Friday morning coffee guys here in Palm Springs has been a joyful ride.

So, my warrior has had a little time off.  Kind of.

It's a funny thing that virtually EVERY TIME I take a vacation, the phone rings off the hook with more groups and more people wanting to work together.  The first four months of this year have been the busiest season since I went out on my own eight years ago.  Crazy!  So, perhaps my answer to the "How is My Warrior" question has a little nuance...

"My energy is clearly focused on celebrating well the 55-year benchmark.  My work is satisfying, enriching, and varied.  The relationships that are important to me enjoy an ease and flow of appreciation and warmth balanced with the give and take inherent with living in authenticity.  My health is stable and sense of self-care is grounded in healthy routines of rest, eating mindfully, and regular physical activity.  I know who I am, what I'm about, and what I'm doing." 

Onward!

V

What is it you most want(ed) to hear?

This one requires a little mental gymnastics.  Go with it.

The other night, I was stirred up.  A disturbing conversation with a friend, a long travel week, unfinished chores around the house, an event the next day.  I was out of sorts.

So, as I sometimes do, I said to Rocky, "Is it okay if I give you your lines right now?"

"Sure," he said.

Cool.  Here it is.  "Vince, you're going to be okay.  It makes sense that you'd be stirred up right now.  You seem tired and out of sorts.  Is there more?"

And he said, "Okay, what you just said."   (Rocky doesn't always follow directions well).

AND, I began to sort out.  Back from the edge a bit.  Calmed down.  Got my feet on the ground.

There is something about self-generating some good listening, a little affirmation, encouragement, support.  I know it's not about Rocky saying it back to me.  It's about me letting my feelings be.  Acknowledging.  Allowing.  Accepting.  Once I do that, I begin to appreciate what I have over what I don't have.  I begin to appreciate wherever it is that I find myself.  And, I move to more solid ground.

Try it.  Out loud.  What is it you most want to hear right now?

Onward!

V

What is a Good Question?

A friend asked me the other day how he could become better at asking questions.  Now, that's a good question!

First of all, a good question is NOT one that seeks to probe for data.  Frankly, I don't care where you live or what you do.  I don't care how old you are, what kind of car you drive, or the type of smartphone in your hand.  So, I NEVER (okay, rarely) ask questions of data... the facts and figures typically bore me.  If you want to give me some data, that's your choice.

Data is cocktail party chit chat.  And, I don't really like cocktail parties.

What I DO like is to learn about you.  What makes you tick.  What gets your heart pumping.  What you're looking forward to and what you might be dreading.  I want to know what you are making your life mean.  So, my questions almost always open a door for you to share some of your story.  And, I'm happy to share some of my story as well. 

The big idea here is that stories are mostly fiction.  Our story is what we make all the data in our lives mean.  As author and awesome speaker Brene' Brown says, "Stories are data with a soul."  So, with whatever data you might choose to give me, I can invite you to share some story about it.

You told me you are a new dad.  What was most surprising about your ten-month journey?

You told me you are a weight lifter.  What are you hoping to achieve?  What are you learning about yourself as you gain strength and stature?

You told me that there is twelve inches of new powder.  How do you feel about that?  What is it you want to have happen today?

You told me you went to Israel last summer.  What was gratifying or upsetting?

So, that's the idea behind good questions.  And the fun part of a good question is that I get to listen to the answer.  I connect to you through your story.  And, maybe I get to see a little bit of my story in yours. 

Onward!

V

(Wondering what's up with the picture of Glenda from the Wizard of Oz?  Besides plenty of good questions during the movie, her closing question is what allowed Dorothy to go home... "And what have you learned?"  Which is, almost always, a good question!)