Up all night inventing the Camcorder?

Back in the day Al Gore was quoted as saying "I invented the Internet."  The media grabbed it and was poised to have a field day.  That he did not exactly say it was irrelevant.  It became an overnight lightening rod to skewer his annoyingly arrogant persona.

The expected move here would have been for Gore to defend himself.  To explain that he had been mis-quoted, to apologize for a mis-speak, to back pedal and correct his statement.

But that's not what he did.  His response was:

"I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder."

What's brilliant about that?

It's the counter-intuitive move.  He took the accusation "you're annoyingly arrogant"  and over-owned it.  With no defense, he made fun of his own arrogance.  And, it stopped the media in its tracks.  He skewered the story.

What can I learn here?

The importance of the counter-intuitive move.  When I am feeling accused, I can get curious and consider that there is possibly some truth in the accusation.  It wouldn't sting if there wasn't!  And then, I can own it.  I can let myself (and my audience) know that the accusation has no sting because it's something I've already dealt with.  I know myself and I've got this one.  Next.

When I first came out many years ago, I was terrified of the "gay accusation" from any group I was working with.  I was unsure of myself and unsure how to respond.  Over time, I worked my insecure edge and today it has no power over me.  And occasionally, I will toss some stupidly stereotypical comment into the mix... "If you think that was gay wait until you see the matching napkins and flower arrangements."  Because, I've learned that those who are compelled to comment about my sexuality are doing so often from some insecure place in themselves.  And that's their stuff.  And, that's okay.  I'm here to help with that.

What accusation are you defending yourself from?  What part of it might you own?  What might be the counter-intuitive move?

Onward!

V

How would you play the hand?

I was thinking about the world of political theatre that we are all witnessing at the moment.

What if Trump is playing this game as if it were a season of Survivor? Or, what if he were coaching someone to "get the job" on his reality TV show? How would he coach them?

First. Set the outcome. In this case, get the nomination. Not the election yet, just the nomination. On Survivor that would mean eliminate the field. Do whatever it takes to clear out the competition. Check. And then, strike the emotions of the disgruntled Republican voter. Go after anyone the disgruntled voter can vilify in order to become their hero. Ethnic differences and illegal entrants were slam-dunks for this. So is anything that will bring a sense of security to an unprepared near-retirement aged individual (read "baby boomer"). Check and check.

So, let's assume he gets the nomination. First objective achieved. Good job.

Then on to the general election. Objective: Get the job. Win the electoral vote.  Is it the same strategy? Vilify Hillary? Make promises to the disgruntled? I don't see that. The disgruntled, un-prepared, insecure electorate are on both sides of the aisle.  So what's the strategy? How would Trump coach someone here? Who needs to be persuaded? The pundits would say "look to the swing states." So then it becomes a vote counting exercise and crafted message to the specific target market at a precinct-level campaign. We'll hear all kinds of speeches and gnashing about but the general election can be predicted by the voting of incredibly narrow bands in specific States. 

My sense is that Trump will prevail. He gets the game. And to him, it is a game.  We're seeing it already as he softens his rhetoric and reinvents himself.

And, it gives me guidance on the good question when contemplating how to navigate any issue!  "What might the other side be thinking?"  or "How would you play the hand if it was you?" might help me see any thorny issue with more clarity.

Enjoy the theatre.

Onward!

V

Grab a Beer?

Close your eyes for a moment and get in the helicopter with me. We'll only go up a couple hundred feet and just hover there.

Now, imagine that you can look back and see that you are in fact still right where you are... and that you are able to look down on your life from the helicopter view. What's going on? Are you someone you'd want to have a beer with after work? How about someone you'd want to confide in? Go take a hike with? Seek advice from? What do you think of you?

When we're able to get honest about how we are judging or assessing ourselves, the door opens to accept ourselves right where we are. This is the truth of this moment... and it won't always be this way. It also opens the door to learn from those inner critical messages that we berate ourselves with... the "you're really not all that good..." and the like. We all have some version of this and it is in when we detach and take an outside view that we are able to recognize it as simply the critical voice inside.

In any event... maybe today is a good day to go grab a beer with yourself... or an ice tea... and have a little heart to heart.

Whose Voice Was That?

And then he told me about a spat with his wife the night before. They were visiting one of his construction job sites and his wife had said “Wouldn’t it look better to extend the awning over this whole section?”

He had gone ballistic. “Don’t you know I’ve been working on this design for months and that it is way too late in the process for changes like that?” And on and on. Everyone had retreated into their corners before it was over.

“Huh,” I said. “So, what did you make her comment mean?”

Silence. “Good question. I’ll have to write that down.”

“Well? It sounds like her comment landed in your universe as something more than just her comment. What did it mean to you? What was the message you received?”

“That I’ve fallen short. Didn’t do it right. That I never do things right.”

“Wow. She didn’t say all that. Whose voice was it you heard?”

Silence. “I hate you. It was my dad. I could never do anything right in his eyes.”

“Sounds like you emptied your truck at the wrong dump, huh?”

“Yeah. Thanks. “

“What do you want to have happen now?”

And on it goes…

Could the Opposite be True?

The last couple weeks have been a roller coaster ride.  My house is half empty (both figuratively and literally) after Rocky moved out.  His artwork and aesthetic touch are missing.  It's quiet. 

At points I begin to feel lonely and sink.  Lots of scripts play in my head... "Alone at 56?  Loser!"  "Without chaos at home there is no life!"  "You drive people away!"  And, it's a good opportunity to explore if the opposites might be as true or truer than the voices of lonely despair!

"Alone at 56.  Freedom to explore your own wants."

"Without chaos at home, there is sanctuary and grounding."

"You attract like-wired people."

 

So, I can ride the roller coaster down into the despair of inner chaos, and I can ride it back up into a place of acceptance and appreciation.  It's a choice.

 

Onward!

 

V



We've Got Issues

When people ask me what I do, my response back is often, "Well, what are the issues in your life right now?"

Because that's often what I do... create a pathway for identifying and clearing issues... those things that drain energy from our lives. So, if you have no issues, celebrate! But, if you find yourself feeling stuck, or beat up, or unclear, or out of integrity, or notice that you have lied to protect yourself, or hide, or are confused, or emotionally overwhelmed, or angry, or... well, you get the idea.

Too many times I see groups and people embark upon "solutions" before they have clarified "problems". My hope is to get clear on issues and current conditions... both problems and opportunities... then identify what the desired condition looks like... and then get to work on the solutions.

So, the starting question is almost always, "What are the issues that are draining energy from your life right now?" And then, "What is it you want to have happen?"

Onward!

Vince

Remorse, Relief, Risk, and Renewal

"It's excruciating to think about coming clean.  I've been carrying this for so long, beating myself up for what I've done, feeling bad about the impact.  I can't imagine unpacking it." he said.

"I get it.  You've been carrying this for a long time and it feels excruciating to think about unpacking it and coming clean.  What's the real risk?" I asked.

"Clearly that she'll throw me out.  I'm a scumbag."

"Got it.  Your relationship might end.  What else?"

"I don't know.  It seems like it might also be a relief to not carry it."

"Is that a risk, or a possible benefit?"

"Ha!  You got me. That would be a benefit.  To me at least.  Would it be a benefit to her?" he asked with curiosity.

"Now, that's a great question."

Getting something off our chest, letting go of the remorse or guilt that we have carried around some issue or action can bring incredible relief.  AND, it brings risk.  Risk that the relationship might end.  Risk that coming clean with what we've been carrying may result in harm or hurt.  AND, it brings a significant benefit of possible renewal.  The authentic ownership of an issue or action opens the door to the renewal of the relationship both with ourselves and with the other person involved.  But there's a catch.

The thing that has been carried for so long is new information for the other person.  So, while there is relief on the one side, there can be all kinds of emotional responses on the other.  They haven't been living with the remorse, guilt, and fear.  So, your sense of relief can be viewed as a "dump and run."  Some compassion is in order!  And, this is true anytime we speak a courageous truth.  At its best, coming clean creates compassion for ourselves and the other person while promoting authenticity in the relationship.  At its worst, it becomes an emotional dumping ground and an escape from responsibility.

What to do?

Talk about talking about it.  Let the other person know you have something you'd like to unpack that might be difficult.  Ask for permission and create a supportive space.  Unpack the issue with an uninvolved friend or counselor to get your own feet on the ground first.  The pathway to renewal opens up when both parties understand the idea of 100% ownership... both parties take 100% responsibility for their part in the relationship.  What will it look like for you to take 100% responsibility for your part?

And on it goes...

V