What's the Risk?

"I've never been much of a leader. I'm more of a follower," he said.

"Huh. What might happen if you stepped into leading here?"

"I'd make a mistake. I'd waste time. I'd lose money."

"Huh. What else might happen... what might you get?"

"Some freedom. Doing what I want to do... something I'm passionate about."

"Huh. So, it sounds like you've set your life up so that by not taking the risk of a mistake or wasting time you don't ever lead and get what you really want... freedom and passion."

"Hmm."

"How's that working for you?"

"It's not."

"So, are you willing to take the risk of leading, of making a mistake or wasting time or losing money to get what you really want?"

"Well, yeah. I think so."

"I'll take that as a no. You'll know it's a yes when it comes clearly as "YES" from your gut and your heart. Anything else is a no."

"Thanks. Yes. I'm willing to take the risk."

"Great. What would support for you look like?"

And, on it goes...

Happy All The Time

I own my judgment around those who pursue happiness… to me it seems hedonistic, narcissistic, and addictive… take a happy pill, get an adrenaline rush, live like it’s forever Saturday night and life is a party. So, when a friend suggested I read a book titled, “What Happy People Know”* I scoffed. He laughed. And then I read it.

My cynical critic was online as I cracked the first chapters. The author talked about evolution like it was scientific fact and made all kinds of unsupported assertions about the human condition... it was easy to put the book into the category of “feel good fluff.” I kept reading.

And then he began to explore the biological and biochemical realities of our brain structure and system, quoting legitimate research on emotional responses and brain chemistry. I was hooked.

Two quotes resonated:

“Contemporary fear almost always fits into one of two categories: fear of not having enough and fear of not being enough. Having enough and being enough are the two factors that best ensure survival in the modern world, so fears about them are rooted to the core of the neurological fear system. They’re as deep as the fear of death...”

“…The antidote for fear is love… And the purest form of love is appreciation.”

So, he had me. He scientifically described a condition that I have long suspected… that fear and love cannot occur simultaneously. And that the surest way to move from fear is to appreciate. And when we appreciate, we are tapping into the joy of who we are and who we were created to be. And that makes me happy.


*Dan Baker, PhD, “What Happy People Know” New York: St. Martins Press. 2003

You Did What?

So, my mom calls the other day to share her latest adventure. Turns out there was a little party store in her town in the desert that was for sale. She had known about it for months and it had been like a little a pot of soup cooking... she'd been playing with the idea, adding a little salt, pondering on how it might fit into her life and what she wanted, letting it simmer. And then, she bought it.

What?

Now, I won't give you my mom's age, but you can approximate based on the fact that I'm 50. So, what is she doing buying a store?!? That rents bounce houses and sells pinatas?!?

Well, maybe she's acting on purpose. She knows who she is and who she's not. She's not the grandma ready to sit in the rocking chair. She's vibrant, alive. She desires to be connected with people. And who better to connect with than people throwing a party?

Recently she was reminiscing about the parties we used to throw when I was a kid. Fourth of July was the big event, but there were also halloween parties and pool parties, political parties, and just about any other excuse for a party... even the "Wizard of Oz on our new Color TV Party". I wonder now if she was thinking of the party store when she was reminiscing?

In any event, it's worthy of a post because it begs the question...

How are you acting... and living... on purpose?

I can't see it

"But I can't see what that would look like!"

You're right! You can't see the future. All you can do is make up a story of what you think the future will hold. And, in my case, I often make up the wrong story.

I've had the pleasure of climbing some big mountains over the years. One of the things I've come to appreciate is that while you can often see the summit from the trailhead, you can NEVER see the whole trail. And, there is almost always a surprise. I'm thinking of the keyhole on Long's Peak... the hidden notch on Mount Powell... the needles on Whitney... a moment that can't be seen from the trailhead and the only way to experience it is to get your feet on the trail!

So, I'm with a guy the other day and he says "I can't see what it will look like 6 months from now." And, I said, "Of course! All you can do is put your foot on the trail today. What would that look like? What is the risk of stepping forward?"

Onward!

V

The View from Down Under

In coaching we invite you to "step outside of yourself" and take a detached viewpoint on your life. It's usually an effective way to gain clarity on what's really going on.

Flying halfway around the planet is another way to step out. The view from 7,500 miles looking back on my world is quite different than when I am living in it. I saw a billboard that says... "No leave. No life." So, perhaps this is what "leave"... or vacation... is about: stepping out and giving space to become an observer of my own life.

So, what am I seeing?

Well, it's a mixed bag. I see lots of gratitude, and some sadness. Gratitude for the opportunity to travel, to engage with friends in different cultures, to be alive and able to play and enjoy life. And, sadness... that life hasn't turned out according to the script that was written many years ago... looking at the ways "playing it safe" has trumped exposing a vulnerability or deeper truth. I see a guy with a strong inner critical voice that says "quit feeling so much and just live..." I see a guy that wants to connect in meaningful ways.

So, step out, friends. What would an observer see in your life?

G'Day Mate

It's true that I can be a surly traveller. First to put on headsets and open a book when I sit down on an airplane. Don't get me wrong here... I'm appropriately polite to all service staff... flight attendants, desk clerks and the like... but don't expect to see me chattin up the folks in the bar.

So, I'm in Australia and everyone knows that Australian's are nice. So, I've decided to try something different. Being nice. Hmm. It works out okay. A friendly chat with an old local and a kid from Jersey (a sovereign island in the English Channel.. who knew?)in the bar last night. Friendly banter in the water surfing this morning.

I'm wondering if we were told that the French were nice would we be nicer when in Paris? I'm wondering how the world would be different if we were just pleasant with one another... less concerned with how someone might talk my ear off on an airplane, or challenge me with differing thoughts or perspectives, or?

What will choosing authentic pleasantness look like today?

Who has the power here?

Like many others, I sometimes “give away power” in my life. I give away the power to approve me, to validate or affirm my skills, ambitions, desires, dreams. I give away the power to define who I am and what it is that I will do with this life.

Over the years, I have cast different players into the power position. Who they are is less important to me than recognizing that they exist. So, the question for me is often, “who has the power here?”

When I am holding the power, I live in a place of self-definition, of being true to who I was created and wired to be, to the gifts and talents I’ve been given and that have been nurtured through years of success and challenge. When I give away the power, my gaze is on someone else, some other person that I have granted an extraordinary power to define me. Hmm.

The other day, I was speaking with a person I respect about an opportunity that is in front of me. My radar was on high alert because the conversation was invariably going to open up an old wound and remind me of a season in my life where I gave away much of the power to define myself. I asked the guy if he thought the events of that time would preclude me from consideration in this new opportunity. His response puzzled me.

“Well, that’s up to you,” he said.

I didn’t challenge him in the moment, but I listened carefully to his words. “It’s up to me?” It didn't make sense. Hmm.

After a couple days of reflection I began to understand. You see, the deal with giving away power is that it’s all going on inside of me. Not those I’ve given the power to. So, taking back the power to stand and live in the truth of being me is simply a choice that I alone can make. “It’s up to you” makes all the sense in the world.