Letting Go of My Need To Be Right

"Facebook is no substitute for real relationship!"

"Bah! It's how I stay connected!"

"Fine. Then, let's never do another offsite. In fact, let's just run the whole company on Facebook."

"Okay! Fine by Me!"

"Na Na Na!"

"Na Na Na Na!"

Hmm.

So, I'm with an executive team that is made up of 30-, 40-, and 50-somethings. Some grew up with rotary telephones. Some have never used a phone that had a wire connected to it. The company is hip, relevant, and attractive to a target market under 40.

While discussing critical success factors, I asked, "Can you let go of your need to be right?" and got more than a few blank stares.

Some got it... they smiled and said... "you're inviting us to become curious, aren't you?" Others couldn't let go of their position.

It seems to me that success will be found in our ability to let go of our need to be right in favor of our desire to connect. Being right has little value if the end result is alienation, isolation, and disconnection. If our desire is to meet people (clients, co-workers, friends, lovers) where they are at, it matters not whether we are right, but only that we are willing to let go of our well-staked position and become curious about the possibilities.

What do you think?

How Does it Serve You?

"I get that you want that. But, how does it serve you to stay right where you're at?"

"It doesn't serve me! I hate it!"

"Hmm. Well... if it didn't serve you somehow... perhaps in a way that protects you from something bigger or darker... than you would have likely gotten what you wanted a long time ago."

"Go on."

"It's your turn. How does it serve you to not change?"

"I don't have to fail. If I never really commit, than I never really fail."

"So, it sounds like you have your life set up so you don't get what you want because you don't take the risk of failing?"

"I guess so. And, the next question you're going to ask is, "Am I willing to take the risk? and the answer is Yes. I want this. And I am willing to take the risk of failure... because to do nothing, or to stay in this spin cycle, is not working."

"Cool."

Who Has My Back?

Me: "Back! You're killing me. It's my first day on the slopes this year... give me a break!"
Back: "Well, it's about time you noticed. You've been trying to ignore me the last couple hours."
Me: "Okay. You've got my attention. What's going on?"
Back: "Well, you're carrying some extra baggage."
Me: "No! I'm within 4 pounds of my ideal fighting weight!"
Back: "Not that kind of baggage. Look over your shoulder. You're carrying Jim, and your dad, and Dave, Keith, Tony, Kaley, Chris, Glen, Ted, Brad... all your enouragers, critics, butt-kickers and all their expectations and desires for you. They're adding a lot of weight to our skiing today. You're worried more about what they would think about your skiing than enjoying the day of skiing!"
Me: "Whoa."
Back: "Yeah, whoa. What do you want to do?"
Me: "Well, first of all I want to thank you. Not for being such a pain, but for raising the flag on what's going on. And, I want to take a breath here and send some love your way."
Back: "Ah. I'm relaxing a bit now."
Me: "And, I'm going to relax a bit too. It's just a day on the slopes. And, it's beautiful. There is no need to manage the story for anyone else. I may take a break. I don't really need to ski 25,000 vertical feet today. It's my first day on the slopes. Perhaps we could be a bit more gentle with each other."
Back: "Perfect."
Me: "Thanks."

What Do You Make That Mean?

And then he said, "I've given into the notion that I am going to drink on New Years."

"Okay," I said. "You've talked about your commitments to limit alcohol. So, what do you make that mean? The drinking on New Years."

"Well, it means I won't have to let everyone know that I struggle with drinking."

"Not buying it."

"What?"

"I'm not buying it. I don't think this is about you not wanting people to know you struggle with drinking. What are you really making it mean?"

"Hmm. Well, it's my job to make sure everyone has a good time. So, in a sense it means I'm doing my job."

"What do you think of people that don't do their job?"

"Losers."

"Ah. So you're a loser if you don't drink on New Years. It sounds like that's what you make it mean. It also sounds like you believe no one will have a good time if you're not drinking. Is that a responsibility you want to take on?"

"Hmm. And, no. Thanks."

"My pleasure. What's your plan?"

"To take responsibilty for me on New Years, and not everyone else. I may drink, but it will be because I want to. And, only because I want to and choose to. I will weigh that choice against my other commitments."

Cool. Happy New Year.

I Notice Your Tears

What is it about tears that freaks us out? Who wrote the rule that says... "apologize if tears show up."?

It seems to me that tears are the best indicator of life. They mean that your heart and your head are connected on the same body!

"What do your tears mean?" is a great question when someone is in their emotional aliveness. It is surprising how often we don't know until we stop to take a breath and reflect for a minute... Am I sad? Joyful? Angry? Fearful? It could be anything!

I look forward to the day when tears are a natural and welcomed part of our lives... business and personal! To me, it will mean that we have embraced the notion that emotions simply are... and are not to be avoided. Allowing the gentle flow of tears moves us closer to being able to talk about our emotions as opposed to being driven by them.

Onward!

V

Where are you right now?

“If you ask people to imagine winning the lottery,” Dr. Gilbert says, “they typically talk about the things they would do — ‘I’d go to Italy, I’d buy a boat, I’d lay on the beach’ — and they rarely mention the things they would think. But the data suggest that the location of the body is much less important than the location of the mind, and that the former has surprisingly little influence on the latter. The heart goes where the head takes it, and neither cares much about the whereabouts of the feet.”

So, where are you right now? Or better said, "Where are your thoughts right now?"

The study that produced the above quote found that those people who focused their minds on what they were doing in the moment were happier than those whose minds wandered. And, we live at a time where we have been acculturated to mind wandering... to your phone, laptop, TV screen, to the unfinished conversation or the difficult conversation that hasn't occurred yet.

I notice when I am mountain biking down a steep hill that it requires 100% of my concentration. Same with a challenging mogul run. And, there is nothing better in the world! For me, "rest" often has more to do with "giving my mind a rest" than "giving my body a rest". And, when I am in an activity that requires 100% concentration, regardless of the physical exertion, I come away feeling rested. And, happy.

So, where are your thoughts right now? What do you do that requires 100% presence?

Onward!

V

Click to read the full New York Times article.

"If Meg wants to do that, I'll be glad to do that."

In the week before the California Governor's election, a campaign typified by particularly bruising negative attacks, both candidates for governor were appearing together and asked if they would take down their negative ads.

Jerry Brown, the former governor who was ultimately elected said, "If Meg wants to do that, I'll be glad to do that."

And Meg said, "I will take down any ads that could be even remotely construed as a personal attack, but I don't think we can take down ads that talk about where Gov. Brown stands on the issues."

So, who gets the gold star for clear communication today?

Sadly, not re-elected Jerry. While Meg got booed for her remark, Jerry was lauded with praise. But what did he really say? Look carefully.

He said nothing!

He played a classic move of political non-speak. He could have said, "I want to take down the negative ads." Or better yet, "I will take down all negative ads. Meg, will you agree to that?" But he didn't say that. he said, "If Meg wants to..."

My desire is for leaders to speak their wants clearly, recognizing that we don't always get what we want. I want leaders to propose solutions. Alternatives. I want leaders to seek clean agreements.

And, sometimes I don't get what I want.

Onward!

V