Who Might Help You?

"It's really tough in the job market right now. Hard to connect."

"So, tell me how you have been trying to connect."

"Mostly on craigslist. Job boards. Electronic applications. That sort of thing."

"Who have you spoken to?"

"Well, it's hard to talk to anyone. No one who is hiring wants to talk."

"Hmm. I can see how you might create that story. It kind of supports your theory."

"Ouch."

"So, who have you spoken to? Who might help you?"

"I don't know."

"Well, when you don't know something, what do you do?"

"Find out."

"How?"

"By talking with someone."

"We're in a loop, aren't we?"

"Okay. Let me think. I know a lot of people. Let me think about who might want to help me."

"Great. What about the people your friends know? You know... it's not the people you know, but the people who know the people you know."

"Run that again?"

"We all know people. And, they like to help us because we're friends. But, it's the friends of our friends that really multiply the strength of our social network. Because, by helping us, they also are helping a friend. It's like a two-for-one deal. Very powerful."

"So, I could think about the people my friends know."

"Right. And, perhaps expand your definition of friend. Who were all the old people at your wedding? Do they care about you? Who do they know?"

"Wow. That kind of opens up the field."

"It sounds like you can connect with a lot of people. And the people you know care about you. And, they know a lot of people who might help you connect in the job market. So, what's your next step?"

And, on it goes.

(For more on the idea of the power of friends and "weak ties", check out Ethan Watters' "Urban Tribes")

How Should We Then Live?

Over the last couple weeks I’ve had too many friends of friends my age drop dead… a couple with no notice and a couple after lengthy illnesses. Then there is Steve Jobs. It all stirs the pot and raises the question for me…

“How should we then live?”

Life is precious. It is fleeting. It’s not a dress rehearsal. And, it’s easy to say… “live in the moment” or make statements like “stop to smell the flowers”… but it’s harder to define a specific strategy for how to live or define a target to shoot for. Perhaps the question is more about laying down a set of rails, principles, or guidelines, by which we navigate the onslaught of day to day decisions. Similar to “values” but with a little more teeth, or specificity, to help us make the decision of going left, or right, or more likely the ever so slight left or momentary veer to the right. My sense is our lives are lived in the bob and weave of the here and now. Achievement of some sort of change or progress then is only noticed when we stop and take a look back on the trail to see how we have in fact changed, or grown. All of which benefits from the time of reflection on the “how.” And, it seems like “how” I lived as a young dad or career professional morphs as I age and the chapter pages turn and the beliefs I held dear are questioned.

Nice reflections after a day at Thoreau's Walden Pond near Concord in Massachussets.

Onward!

V

(And, for more on the idea... consider reading Dr. Francis Schaeffer's "How Should We Then Live?" 50th Anniverary edition. 2005. Crossway Publishing, Wheaton, Illinois.

I'm Not Mad!

When someone tells me what they are "not"... there is a very good chance that it is, in fact, exactly what they are. This almost always comes up in conversations around anger.

What is it about our polite society that says "anger is bad?" I'll concede that hitting someone over the head with a baseball bat while in a state of rage is bad. But, all anger? Not in my world.

When I feel angry and I say that I am not angry, I am lying to myself. I am disconnecting from my truth and beginning to create a made-up fantasy story of life as I want it to be. What a waste of energy! When I am mad... it's okay to FEEL MAD!

And the irritating thing to me is this. When someone tells me they are not mad... and they are... I get mad!!! Damn you!!!

"I'm not mad. I'm just frustrated." Ha! What's the difference between frustration and anger? NOTHING! Any number of words we use all fall into the primary emotion bucket labeled "Anger"... frustrated, irritated, dissappointed, pissed, crossed, de-valued, violated... all point to anger. So kids... when we're angry, express it as anger. "I feel angry!"

AND... keep the baseball bats in the closet. Protect yourself and your loved ones from leaking anger. Go hit a tree. Talk it out with a trusted friend. Go to the batting cages. Try and push that brick wall three feet south. Anything to release some energy so that we can talk about the anger, as opposed to being driven by it.

Okay?

"Action Plan" or "Plan Action"?

It's an interesting play on words, isn't it?

Do I act... and then plan? Or, do I plan and then act?

The truth be told, I sometimes act first and then figure out how to back a plan in to wherever it is that I now find myself. Some people call this... "shoot the arrow and then run real quick and move the target so that the arrow hits the bullseye."

I've been with a group for a while now... highly successful, proud history, solid growth trend... and a little stuck in the success of their own success. They do a lot of good things... but there is a sense that they could be more than what they are.

As we navigate through the process of "un-stucking" a whole host of good ideas have come forward of things we could do... actions. And, in the absence of plan... a defined set of targets and goals... all those good ideas may in fact be good... and they might also get us to the top of the wrong mountain.

My desire is that Plans Drive Actions. Every step we take then is a conscious choice made with the knowledge of who we want to be and where we want to go.

What do you think?

Onward!

V

What's Next (Part Deux)?

On my birthday in March I wrote about "What's next?" Ha! Sometimes life happens while we're making other plans.

A month earlier in February, (as I've also written), I was up on the Colorado Continental Divide snow shoeing in -17 degree weather. That's cold. And, my toes have never regained full feeling. And then it spread to my feet. And up my legs. Eventually I had no sense of skin touch on my legs and arms. A fly can walk all over and I don't feel a thing.

My regular doctor was worried about all kinds of dire diseases and sent me off to a Neurologist who poked and prodded (literally, with an electric cattle prod) and took blood and pictures to find something wrong. And the MRI showed a benign tumor in my head, putting pressure on the carotid artery. I wrote about all that a few months ago.

Off to the Neuro Surgeon. More tests. More pictures. And, I learned today... no surgery. The body is wonderfully redundant and the other carotid artery is performing quite nicely. Plenty of blood to the brain.

So, the flies can still land (it's kind of a good thing out in the desert) and I don't feel them. My legs buzz all the time. And, I don't have any of the dire diseases that might cause it. The L5 vertebrae may be a little compressed and there may be some holdover from the T12/L1 compression fracture from a few years ago... and well... I'm 52.

What's next? An appreciation for what I don't have... and an appreciation for what I do. Life. Great relationships. A nice home. And? More laps in the pool and more yoga. Vitamin B12. Maybe some more accupuncture.

I've also taken on a new volunteer commitment to coach the leaders of the YMCA of Armenia through a strategic planning process. I'll be heading there on Sunday. And on the way back I'll be having dinner with two good friends from Belfast who are in London for the weekend. Perhaps the three of us will straighten things out while we're there.

So, What's Next?

What's your plan?

It is hard to listen sometimes. It is hard not to fix the problem. Easier to offer a solution. Tell 'em what they oughta do.

I'm having coffee with a friend the other day. Our house had been broken into while on vacation and we lost an ancient TV, a nice Bose system, and a bag of currency from all the countries I have visited. Not a great loss, but still a loss. I was sharing how it felt... anger, sadness.

"You need to get an alarm system."
"And, you should add the stolen currency to the police report."
"Actually, you should just get someone to housesit when you are away."
"You live on a busy street. You should get those lights that turn on automatically."
"You should have left on more lights. I would have left more lights on."

Finally, I noticed what was happening and I said... "you know, you'd make a lousy coach."

And, he stopped, looking a little sheepish.

"Yeah, I'd be mad too," he said trying to pull out of his Mr. Fix-It Man role and hear my emotion.

So, it's one thing to hear the emotion that I was expressing. That felt good. But I also noticed that the question I wanted him to ask was... "what's your plan?" Because, that would have been a good question! And, it would have invited me to move through the emotion I was expressing and into a forward-looking posture. "What's next?" is almost always helpful once the emotion of the moment has dissipated.

Of course I would have said, "I don't know!" because I don't have a plan. What I want though is to explore my thoughts and fears around home security and to put aside all the voices of others so that I can discover what I want. Because that's where my life will be lived!

My Dad used to say "Don't should on me." I guess the old man had something there.

What is Really Important?

My favorite Aunt is turning 80. She doesn't have a mobile device or a computer so she won't know that I just gave up her age. She's the Aunt that still sends out handwritten cards for every occasion.. birthdays, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, you name it. And, her cards are always full of whatever news is lighting up the family telephone tree. There's a party for her next week but we were passing through Grants Pass where she lives and had dinner with her last night.

At one point I asked her, "What is really important in life?"

"Living for who you are and who you want to be. Not living for who others think you should be."

Nice. That we should all be so clear.