Who has Permission to Challenge Me?

The idea of "holding someone else accountable" for something they've said they will do or not do has never resonated for me. Maybe because of my own character flaws the idea that someone could actually outfox my ability to manage the story is simply laughable. So, go ahead... hold me accountable. Kind of brings out my inner teenager.

The bigger idea here perhaps is "who will I hold myself accountable to?" That's a question that begs taking 100% responsibility for my part in the relationship, or my part in the agreement. And, I like that. It opens the door for me to own my choice and to own my actions in a self-responsible way.

At dinner with a friend not too long ago, I asked "who has permission to challenge you?" He's a pretty high-level guy and there aren't too many people who would willingly step out to call him on his stuff. The question brought silence. "Hmm. No one, really."

To me, both questions are related. One speaks to who I choose to account for my actions, my thoughts, my beliefs. Who gets the un-filtered version of me? The other then asks, who has permission to take the gloves off with me when they sense I am being evasive or not fully transparent or I've lost the plot?

What then is the risk to the high-achieving and high-level leader who builds a fortress where no one has access and no one gets the unfiltered view? Good question.

When is the Right Time?

A younger cousin posted a comment the other day about the Boston Bruin hockey player declining an invitation to the White House amidst his protest of "the times". I agreed with her sentiment... that it was bad form for the guy to stay behind... on the basis that "there is a time to speak one's mind, and a time to pull up your big boy pants and do the uncomfortable thing you don't want to do..." But it begs the question... "When is the right time?" Or, "Is now the right time to speak my mind?"

This is not a pefect calculus. There have been many times... perhaps the odd CLM ("Career Limiting Moment")... that I have regretted speaking up. Not that my point was not valid, but that the time and place were not appropriate. My sense is that it is always a good thing to understand my "truth"... that is, my opinion, belief, assessment, understanding, or "what I make it mean." But it's not necessarily always good to speak it out. Sometimes restraint is in order.

Years ago, I heard a quote that might fit here... "they will care what you know when they know that you care." I've taken that to mean, "focus first on relationship and then the sharing of knowledge or opinion will follow naturally." My experience is that when I focus first on the relationship, the desire for authenticity and ability to remain curious over becoming defensive increases. And, perhaps that's what it takes for people that are in disagreement to come together... a mutual desire to be in relationship and a desire for authenticity.

We live in a polarized world. My desire is to come together with people of differences and to seek relationship first, trusting that as growth occurs what appeared to be hard at first will become easy.

Onward!

V

Two Good Questions for a New Year

Sometimes the best things in life are the simplest.

Question #1: "What's working well?"

It's a great place to start because it shifts my mind to appreciation over fear or other emotions. It focuses my mind on what I have as opposed to what I don't have. To help me break it down, I'll ask some "sub-questions"...
-What's working well mentally? Physically? Spiritually? Relationally?
-What's working well in my work? In my personal life? In my living situation?

If I'm honest with myself, there are always a lot of things in my life working well. So, I like to stop and think about those things... and then,

Question #2: "What Could be Better?"

Pretty simple. And, to help me dig, I can ask:
-Where do I see opportunity for improvement or growth?
-Where am I experiencing dissatisfaction?

Sometimes I'll assign a "satisfaction score" of 0 (low) to 10 (high) to the various parts of my life. Anything scored less than an "8" begs the question... "What would be happening in this area of my life to score an 8?"

These two simple questions begin the process of strategic thinking necessary to set a plan in motion. There's likely more exploration in order, but it's a great place to start.

Happy New Year!
Vince

If I lost ten pounds...

One of my favorite questions is... "What is it you complain about changing but never do?" It's a good question because it launches a series of other good questions that sometimes result in change!

The most common response is "I complain about my weight and say I want to lose ten pounds" or something like that... especially around the holidays. What is it about weight loss that is so difficult that it has created a multi-billion dollar industry?

So, at this time of year, many of us willingly jump into the grasp of the multi-billion dollar weight loss or health and fitness industry. We generally make new commitments to eat less and exercise more.

Before we do that though, perhaps it would be good to get to the root of what we make our weight mean. It's surprising what I hear on that one...

"Losing that weight would mean that I could set a goal and achieve it... which would challenge a belief I have about myself that says I'm no good at setting and achieving goals... which of course is ridiculous because I set and achieve goals all the time at work... but I learned that I'm not a good goal setter a long time ago when my grandmother told me so and that I really shouldn't worry too much about planning for the future and should just be happy in the moment... so in a way if I set a personal goal and achieve it I would be saying that my grandmother was wrong, which is hard because I really loved my grandmother... so... if I lose this weight it would be showing disrespect to my grandmother and I won't do that."

Yikes. I wonder what Grandma would have to say about all that? Or to bring it closer to home, What do you make your weight mean?

This journey is not always easy. Sometimes it invites us to face things we have been struggling with for years. And, perhaps, it is worth it.

Onward!

V

If you knew you couldn't fail...

One of my favorite questions with a new group is... "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" It's open-ended and brings up all kinds of responses...

"I'd get a PhD."

"I'd cure world hunger."

"I'd make sure everyone has the chance to travel internationally."

Really? No, it's not world hunger... but it might be a remarkable bit of peace making. Years ago, a good friend told me... "you can't hate someone you know"... and it stuck. My sense is that when we get out of our own comfortable and cozy place and people-group we see things differently. It takes some doing these days to get off the beaten track and interact with people that are... well... different. And, one of the things I've learned over the years is that we aren't all that different.

Tomorrow is a long travel day to Warsaw, Poland. I've just finished "The Zookeeper's Wife" and am in the middle of "Skeletons at the Feast" to get my head oriented. The Polish story has had some rough spots. I'm looking forward to seeing how the country has re-invented itself, to meeting up with some people from different backgrounds, to reflecting on the past and how it is informing the present and future.

It may mean foregoing a new toy or fancier car to make travel happen, but I think it's a worthwhile endeavor. The planes fly back and forth every day.

Onward!

V

Who Might Help You?

"It's really tough in the job market right now. Hard to connect."

"So, tell me how you have been trying to connect."

"Mostly on craigslist. Job boards. Electronic applications. That sort of thing."

"Who have you spoken to?"

"Well, it's hard to talk to anyone. No one who is hiring wants to talk."

"Hmm. I can see how you might create that story. It kind of supports your theory."

"Ouch."

"So, who have you spoken to? Who might help you?"

"I don't know."

"Well, when you don't know something, what do you do?"

"Find out."

"How?"

"By talking with someone."

"We're in a loop, aren't we?"

"Okay. Let me think. I know a lot of people. Let me think about who might want to help me."

"Great. What about the people your friends know? You know... it's not the people you know, but the people who know the people you know."

"Run that again?"

"We all know people. And, they like to help us because we're friends. But, it's the friends of our friends that really multiply the strength of our social network. Because, by helping us, they also are helping a friend. It's like a two-for-one deal. Very powerful."

"So, I could think about the people my friends know."

"Right. And, perhaps expand your definition of friend. Who were all the old people at your wedding? Do they care about you? Who do they know?"

"Wow. That kind of opens up the field."

"It sounds like you can connect with a lot of people. And the people you know care about you. And, they know a lot of people who might help you connect in the job market. So, what's your next step?"

And, on it goes.

(For more on the idea of the power of friends and "weak ties", check out Ethan Watters' "Urban Tribes")

How Should We Then Live?

Over the last couple weeks I’ve had too many friends of friends my age drop dead… a couple with no notice and a couple after lengthy illnesses. Then there is Steve Jobs. It all stirs the pot and raises the question for me…

“How should we then live?”

Life is precious. It is fleeting. It’s not a dress rehearsal. And, it’s easy to say… “live in the moment” or make statements like “stop to smell the flowers”… but it’s harder to define a specific strategy for how to live or define a target to shoot for. Perhaps the question is more about laying down a set of rails, principles, or guidelines, by which we navigate the onslaught of day to day decisions. Similar to “values” but with a little more teeth, or specificity, to help us make the decision of going left, or right, or more likely the ever so slight left or momentary veer to the right. My sense is our lives are lived in the bob and weave of the here and now. Achievement of some sort of change or progress then is only noticed when we stop and take a look back on the trail to see how we have in fact changed, or grown. All of which benefits from the time of reflection on the “how.” And, it seems like “how” I lived as a young dad or career professional morphs as I age and the chapter pages turn and the beliefs I held dear are questioned.

Nice reflections after a day at Thoreau's Walden Pond near Concord in Massachussets.

Onward!

V

(And, for more on the idea... consider reading Dr. Francis Schaeffer's "How Should We Then Live?" 50th Anniverary edition. 2005. Crossway Publishing, Wheaton, Illinois.