When Do We Go "Deep"?

"That was a pretty lightweight start to the retreat last night," said the moderator.  "One of the other members came up and told me it was "forum-lite."

"Really!"  as I noticed my defensiveness wanting to come out.

"Well, we just talked about ourselves and our stories.  We didn't really go deep."

My defenses relaxed.  I knew how to guide this one.

"So, what does "deep" look like to you"? I asked.

"Vulnerable.  Talking about real stuff.  Speaking our truth.  Challenging ourselves to take off our masks.  We rarely get there.  We need your help."

"Perfect.  Because my belief is that until we determine that it is safe here, we will stay on the surface.  Only when we judge that it is safe to really show up will we expose ourselves.  So, what makes this a safe place?"

"Well... okay.  Maybe it's not so safe.  I get it.  We tend to fix each other.  That's not safe.  We also tend to use humor if anything gets uncomfortable.  So, if someone cracks a joke, vulnerability stops."

"That pretty well sums it up," I said.  "What are you willing to let go of in order to get what you want here?"

And on it goes!

Is it Fair to All Concerned?

Been reading quite a bit lately on the history of sexuality and how various societies have treated gender and orientation differences.  Turns out that prior to the last couple hundred years or so, there was far less angst about who slept together.  Native American societies had the “berdache” who were generally men who had a spiritual awakening to their gender bender-ness and often lived as women, including marrying masculine men.  Some societies have believed that ingesting male semen was right up there with mother’s milk as a vital ingredient for healthy development.  And, the all-male societies throughout history have accepted the reality of male sex... pirates, cowboys, war parties in all their forms all have stories.  Not too many women around.  Fascinating.   Virtually every early society has evidence of gender and sexual diversity beyond the polarized "straight or gay" labels we find ourselves with today. And, in many cases those men who identified as homosexual or similarly oriented were given high status as mediators, educators, shamans, and damn good homemakers.  It’s also interesting to look at societal laws around homosexuality… sodomy laws put in place in times where population increase was desired and eliminated when population decrease was desired.

I'm also intrigued by the general absence of sexual instruction in the Bible.  Makes me think that maybe it just isn't the big deal.  The sexual references in the Bible seem to have more to do with rampant sexual debauchery (right up there with drunkenness) and rejecting pedophilia than the acceptance or rejection of homosexual orientation.  It was only a thousand years or so after the Bible was written that some Europeans decided to use their religion as a way of rejecting those who were different.

So, here we are today.  I’ve got to hand it to the smart folks who shifted the argument from the moral question of “legalizing gay marriage” to simply “promoting marriage equality.”  Brilliant move.   One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.  Tough to argue against that.

More?  "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, and "The Spirit and the Flesh" by Walter Williams.

What do you mean?

A friend came to me after his 14 year old son asked him… “Dad, am I gay?”    To which I asked, "What do you think "being gay" means to your son?"

"Well, I don't really know, now that you ask it that way," said my friend. 

So, he went back to his son and asked him “What does it mean to be gay?” to which I learned later the son answered… “I don’t really know.  Just some guys said that I was gay because I don’t do all the things they do.”  My friend took a deep breath, and realized that the meaning his son was attaching to being gay was very different from the meaning he was attaching. 

Which, I find quite often to be the case.  What I make something mean and what you make something mean aren’t necessarily the same thing.  So, before jumping to conclusions, it’s almost always a good idea to ask… “What do you mean by that?”

 

 

Lunch with Mel

My favorite was a simple turkey sandwich with cream cheese and cranberry sauce at a funky little shop in old town Tustin.  Over the course of ten or eleven years that's what I had when Mel and I met for lunch.

Mel owned a machinery business in Santa Ana and I loved watching it work.  They made small parts for airplanes I think.  I remember he offered math and english classes for his employees which was an unnecessary yet meaningul thing to do back in the day.  At lunch we would talk about his business and how it differed from the work I did.  He impressed upon me the importance of meeting market demand... "if you turn someone away you create competition for yourself because someone else will meet the need".  Funny the things we remember. 

He was a dad in the Y's Indian Guides and Indian Princesses program.  As a young buck program director I remember more than a few enjoyable moments around the campfire.  Mel was part of a group of dads who played a subtle yet extremely competitive game of "one-up" when it came to camp cooking.  Some of the best steaks and shrimp came off their BBQs accompanied perhaps by a fine glass of Zinfandel.  Or two.

Mel took it upon himself to stay in touch even after his official role as the Y Board chair was completed.  He reached out and found me at odd intervals, always making it seem like the most natural thing in the world.  He showed me a respect that was not deserved at 25 and 30 years old.  Somehow, I always had the sense that Mel "got me."  Along with a handful of others, he was instrumental in my early successes not so much by what he did, but how he was.  He never took it all too seriously.  He held things with a lite grip.  He would come with Cheryl to whatever events we cooked up and was a steadfast supporter.

And, like many mentoring relationships, my time with Mel came to a close as I moved to a new position in a new city.  Life moved on.  And, but for a chance meeting at the car wash along the way, I haven't connected with Mel in nearly 20 years.  But his presence in my life lives on.

And now, this.  Mel's life was taken yesterday by a young man on a rampage.  The young man later took his own life as well.  Mel was simply on his way to work early, like always.  We will certainly learn more about the young man's life through the lens of his death.  And, we'll be shocked and saddened.  My guess is we will hear a story of isolation.  A young man in turmoil.  No one to turn to.  A young man not truly known by anyone.

And the irony of it is that Mel was the kind of guy that reached out to ensure that young people were known.  That young people were welcomed into community.  Given respect they didn't deserve.  He did it with me.  He made it happen for thousands through his support of our work.

My hope is that the story of Melvin Lee Edwards life will be remembered as a guy who knew people.  A guy who cared.  And, my hope is that Mel's life becomes even more instructive to me on the importance of reaching out.  Of connecting.  Of giving respect to those who may not deserve it.

He wasn't perfect.  None are.  I'll forgive him for that just as I forgive myself when I fall short.  And, I'll remember Mel as a man deserving of my respect.

(From Left:  Sharon and George Peters, Cheryl and Mel Edwards, Leo Connolly)

What's my 100%?

For years, I lived multiple lives... I had my work life and my home life.  My inner life and my public life.  I spent a great deal of energy managing all my lives and ensuring that I showed up just right in each one.  People that knew me twenty and thirty years ago have told me that they never really knew me... that they always sensed they were getting just a part of me... and they were right!

For several years now I have been shifting to a "whole-life" view of things.  It seems that I really am just one person and the more I can look at myself as an integrated whole the more energy I have to simply be me... as opposed to managing the story of me.

One tool I use at the beginning of every meeting or retreat that I facilitate is called the "Whole Life Check In". At first some are reluctant to peel back and reveal the layers of their life but in the end almost everyone appreciates the few moments of permission to reflect on themselves.  No one ever shares more than they want to share and I have found that in even the most task-oriented business setting that starting this way focuses first on "who we are" so that "what we might do together" becomes stronger and more effective.

Click on the Whole Life Check In link here to download the one-page handout.  In some ways I use this every day.  What do you think?

Onward!

V

Is it okay to push?

And then he said, "Sometimes I just want to call them out on their s**t, you know?  Isn't it okay to push a little?"

"So, whose s**t is it?" I asked.

"It's theirs!  I can see it!"

"Hmm. Some might say that we can only see what it is that we have... or think that we have.  Smarter people than I call those "projections".  We project what we inwardly believe to be true about ourselves on to others."

"That sucks."

"Well, maybe.  And it's pretty valuable. Because when I see something in someone else it's an opportunity to get curious about what I see and perhaps really want in my own life."

"You're doing it again.  You're "vince-ing" me."

"I'll take that as a compliment. And, when it comes to pushing... here's my thought.  Check in with yourself first.  Is the "push" coming from your own projection?  Your own fear?  Or is the "push" coming from your solution for their life?  If so, stop.  Take a breath."

"Okay.  I can see that."

"Great.  And then... when you're clear with yourself, consider "pushing" by asking a tough question.. one that invites a different perspective or a gut level response."

He paused.  "Someone stopped me in my tracks the other day with "what's stopping you from action?"  It helped me realize that there was nothing stopping me except myself."

"Exactly.  Sounds like the push you needed."

How Old is that Picture?

Years ago I was sharing a story about some angst I was having in navigating a delicate situation.  I wasn't believing that I would handle things well.  My confidence was low as I shared my concerns.

"It sounds like you're carrying a pretty old picture of yourself," said a friendly colleague.

"Huh?  I asked."

"Well, as I've gotten to know you and seen your work and the way you've managed yourself, I'd say you have what it takes to handle this.  It's just you're carrying that old picture of yourself that comes with an old script for how you used to react in this kind of situation."

Hmm.

This past week I invited a friend/photographer over to update some of my profile shots.  My first thought was... "now that's an old picture!"  Aside from exposing a few more wrinkles and gray hair though, I think it's good to update our pictures now and then.  We've grown.  Changed. There's new story that likely defies some of the old story... and the new picture wants to be anchored in who we are today.

So, "How old is that picture you are carrying of you?"

Onward!

V