Time to Shift Altitude?

On most days, I live at an elevation of about 6'2".  Whatever is right in front of me is the thing that I focus on or pay attention to.

And sometimes I want to shift altitude.  I want the one-year horizon.  The five year view.  I want to look at today from the vantage point of five years ago or five years from now.  I can go up to 14,000 feet (about as high as I've ever been on Mount Whitney) or jump in an airplane and rise up to 40,000.

And, sometimes, I want to make a twelve inch shift.  That is, the shift from what I can see in front of me, to what it is my heart wants or sees. 

Shifting altitude is about shifting perspective.  Getting out of the emotion of this moment and looking at life through a bigger lens.

Some folks live by the mantra "Live in the Moment!" and that's cool.  But sometimes, I want to let this moment also be lived in the context of the bigger story.

Onward!

Vince 

How is your Warrior?

I love the idea of Archetypes... those characters that live within all of us waiting to be welcomed onto our stage.  My Warrior is a good friend and we've been reflecting about how to mark the benchmark of 40 years on the "battlefield" of the working world.  You see, my first job was at 15 and I turned 55 in March which means I can "retire" at any time and also claim the $1 discount at the local theatre.

To mark the passage, I considered the "clear the decks and take a sabbatical" option but ended up choosing the "one week of vacation each month" option.  And, it's been fun!  Going to Hawaii, Vail, London, New Orleans, and Morro Bay with friends and loved ones ranging from my childhood next door neighbor through virtually every chapter of life up to the Friday morning coffee guys here in Palm Springs has been a joyful ride.

So, my warrior has had a little time off.  Kind of.

It's a funny thing that virtually EVERY TIME I take a vacation, the phone rings off the hook with more groups and more people wanting to work together.  The first four months of this year have been the busiest season since I went out on my own eight years ago.  Crazy!  So, perhaps my answer to the "How is My Warrior" question has a little nuance...

"My energy is clearly focused on celebrating well the 55-year benchmark.  My work is satisfying, enriching, and varied.  The relationships that are important to me enjoy an ease and flow of appreciation and warmth balanced with the give and take inherent with living in authenticity.  My health is stable and sense of self-care is grounded in healthy routines of rest, eating mindfully, and regular physical activity.  I know who I am, what I'm about, and what I'm doing." 

Onward!

V

What is it you most want(ed) to hear?

This one requires a little mental gymnastics.  Go with it.

The other night, I was stirred up.  A disturbing conversation with a friend, a long travel week, unfinished chores around the house, an event the next day.  I was out of sorts.

So, as I sometimes do, I said to Rocky, "Is it okay if I give you your lines right now?"

"Sure," he said.

Cool.  Here it is.  "Vince, you're going to be okay.  It makes sense that you'd be stirred up right now.  You seem tired and out of sorts.  Is there more?"

And he said, "Okay, what you just said."   (Rocky doesn't always follow directions well).

AND, I began to sort out.  Back from the edge a bit.  Calmed down.  Got my feet on the ground.

There is something about self-generating some good listening, a little affirmation, encouragement, support.  I know it's not about Rocky saying it back to me.  It's about me letting my feelings be.  Acknowledging.  Allowing.  Accepting.  Once I do that, I begin to appreciate what I have over what I don't have.  I begin to appreciate wherever it is that I find myself.  And, I move to more solid ground.

Try it.  Out loud.  What is it you most want to hear right now?

Onward!

V

What is a Good Question?

A friend asked me the other day how he could become better at asking questions.  Now, that's a good question!

First of all, a good question is NOT one that seeks to probe for data.  Frankly, I don't care where you live or what you do.  I don't care how old you are, what kind of car you drive, or the type of smartphone in your hand.  So, I NEVER (okay, rarely) ask questions of data... the facts and figures typically bore me.  If you want to give me some data, that's your choice.

Data is cocktail party chit chat.  And, I don't really like cocktail parties.

What I DO like is to learn about you.  What makes you tick.  What gets your heart pumping.  What you're looking forward to and what you might be dreading.  I want to know what you are making your life mean.  So, my questions almost always open a door for you to share some of your story.  And, I'm happy to share some of my story as well. 

The big idea here is that stories are mostly fiction.  Our story is what we make all the data in our lives mean.  As author and awesome speaker Brene' Brown says, "Stories are data with a soul."  So, with whatever data you might choose to give me, I can invite you to share some story about it.

You told me you are a new dad.  What was most surprising about your ten-month journey?

You told me you are a weight lifter.  What are you hoping to achieve?  What are you learning about yourself as you gain strength and stature?

You told me that there is twelve inches of new powder.  How do you feel about that?  What is it you want to have happen today?

You told me you went to Israel last summer.  What was gratifying or upsetting?

So, that's the idea behind good questions.  And the fun part of a good question is that I get to listen to the answer.  I connect to you through your story.  And, maybe I get to see a little bit of my story in yours. 

Onward!

V

(Wondering what's up with the picture of Glenda from the Wizard of Oz?  Besides plenty of good questions during the movie, her closing question is what allowed Dorothy to go home... "And what have you learned?"  Which is, almost always, a good question!)

And, why is that so bad?

I love the question... "And, what's the bad thing that might happen?" as a way to get to the risk or fear that might be blocking me.  The other day, someone asked me the follow up question, "And, why is that so bad?"

It stumped me!   "Well, because!" was all I could come up with.

Sometimes then, when I can take a step back and reflect for a moment, the bad thing that might happen isn't all that bad.

Onward!

Am I Clear?

Sticky situations. Difficult conversations. We avoid. We build walls. Make up stories. We form opinions and build alliances with others that share our opinion. Such drama! And, almost always, there is some fear at the root of it. Some future possibility that we are making real.

Sometimes in life we get to hear about the difference we're making. This one goes in the "win" column for me. Grateful for the opportunity.

"Your tool of “issue clearing” truly changed the course of my family. We have been using it all weekend and arrived at a place of open and authentic communication (can you believe I am saying this?). My future daughter-in-law felt safe enough to open up and truly tell us her story. We have completely changed our opinion of her and we are actually talking and sharing. She said she has never seen such an open family in terms of communication. Hard to believe!  Thanks."

What is the conversation you are avoiding? What is it costing you? What would you do if you had no fear? What might be the benefit of getting clear?  All good questions.

Onward!

The New Red Shiny! (My Idealized Perfect Future Reality Has Finally Arrived!!!)

We've all had it.  That moment when the new thing captures our attention.  A new model car.  A second glance by an attractive man or woman.  The possibility of a new VP of Sales.  An old flame entering from stage right.  It really doesn't matter what "it" is.  It's a new red shiny.

And, all of a sudden!  That new red shiny begins to represent a perfect future reality of our life as it was meant to be!  A new beginning!  A fresh start!  Coffee in bed every morning.  Beautiful sunsets.  Off the chart sales.  Prestige and Power.  No more laundry.  No more diapers.  No more disappointing sales reports.  Doesn't matter!  The future has arrived and it's perfect!  The new red shiny can wipe away years and years of un-expressed emotions, disappointments, shortfalls, neglect, guilt... all of it!  Go!  Jump!  Take the leap and you will learn to fly!!!

And what about the old car?  That piece of trash?  Lousy mileage.  20 pounds overweight.  Lazy and stuck in a rut of low production.  Heading nowhere.  At least, no where good.  Or, worth going.  Dump it.  Who needs it?  I've put up with it long enough.  There is nothing new, red, or shiny there.  In fact, it's old, black, and tarnished.  Dead end.  Might as well go die a lonely death in a gutter in Central Park before living with that.  I deserve better.  In fact, it's their fault.  They've caused me to be miserable.  The new red shiny "gets me" and this old black tarnished thing... well...  Whatever.

Sound familiar?  Well, I've heard it all.  And, I've done most of it.

So, what to do?  How about a few good questions?

It doesn't really matter which train I am on, the questions are pretty much the same.  Whether I'm heading down the track to the perfect future reality or imagining the cliff at the end of the track of despair and worst possible outcome... the truth is that I am making up a story.  And, I'm damn good at making up stories.  We all are.

So, when I catch myself on either train, I can always stop and separate the FACT from the FICTION.  What's really happening here?  What might a video camera record?  What would an observer see here?  What are the triggering events?

And then, separate the FICTION from the FEELING.  What am I feeling right now?  Is it anger?  If so, what boundary has been crossed?  How have I given myself away?  What disappointments have been left un-expressed?  Is it Sadness?  If so, what has been lost?  What am I grieving?  Who am I feeling sorry for?  Or, Fear?  What's the bad thing I am trying to avoid?  How am I trying to protect myself?  From what?  What's the deeper fear?  What am I FEELING in my body right now? What does it FEEL like?  Is there any Joy?  What might be appreciated?  What am I learning?

Sometimes, when that new red shiny is right in front of me, I can make it a sign from God.  Yes!  It's not ME going for the new red shiny, it's God opening a door!  It's a spiritual awakening!  I must follow His leading in my life.  Another opportunity to stop.  Take a breath.  And, another breath.   And then, inquire within... How has God revealed Himself to me before?  Is this consistent with His voice?  What is God's posture toward me right now?  What is he thinking about my life and what I've made of it?  If this new red shiny is good for me, is it good for all concerned?  Am I only seeing God on one path?  Hmm.  (That one almost always stops me in my tracks).  If the divine is showing up in a critical, defensive, one-sided, never-been-this-way-before kind of way I know I might need to stop and ask myself... "What is the story I am I making up about God here?"

I could go on and on.  The big idea (I think) is to stop.  Breathe.  Let it land.  Seek wisdom from both my most mature self and my most mature others.  The new red shiny will still be there.  And if it won't be there, then maybe it isn't as red and shiny as I hope.