It's Annual Review Time

When Rocky and I met five years ago we knew that our connection was a "right place at the right time" sort of thing.  I had just gotten back from a trip to Australia and was ready to consider a relationship after five years alone but had no plan, and Rocky had given up looking.  That's when he almost ran in to me as I crossed the street.

Roll the tape forward, and with all this relationship equality stuff aside, living with a middle-aged guy isn't exactly a walk in the park.  We can be grumpy, set in our ways, are happy until we're not, and generally expect the world to revolve around whatever it is we're focused on at the moment.  Either one of us can flip from "my way or the highway" to "just take care of me" in a nano-second.  We can cuss each other out and throw punches one minute and then melt in the next.  There's a part of me that believes that just as teens should be shipped off for the middle-school years, middle-aged men should be locked away for the five-ten years it takes us to come through the realization that the sun doesn't rise just for us, that no one cares nearly as much about our faults as we do, and we're probably not going to be President of the United States so get over it.

This may sound like a rant about Rocky, but it's not.  I'm looking in the mirror at the moment.  In fact, I know that the stuff about him that bugs me most is all stuff that I see in myself when I de-fog the mirror and look carefully.

A lot of beliefs have been challenged these past few years.  A big one that was honed over a lifetime and very hard for me to let go of was: "Relationships are hard, contentious, and meant to be a struggle."  Bologna.  Relationship is just as hard as I make it.  When I choose to be grounded and connected, relationship is a breeze.  Because, whatever is going on in him at that moment is simply what's going on in him.  "Isn't it interesting that he is having a storm right now.  I wonder how I might support him in his storm?"  When I am un-balanced, off-center, non-grounded, and disconnected, whatever is going on in him becomes a direct attack on me.  "Can't we just have some peace in this house?  Do I have to fix everything? How did I get put in charge of you?"  And the tempers fly.

One of the things we agreed to early on was to have an annual performance evaluation for our relationship.  It happens in July and this one was particularly grueling.  Five years is enough time to know where all the buttons are and we're both pretty good at pushing them for each other.  Lots of teeth gnashing, growling, and barking.  We gave each other a 70 and 72 on a 100 point scale ("But I was NEVER a "C" student!!!").  And, at the end of it, we said, "As of today, I am committed to staying in, growing, and building our relationship in ways that work for both of us."

What would the annual performance review for your key relationships say?  And then, "How's that working for you?"

Onward!

V

"It Is What It Is"

Or, is it?

This is not one of my favorite lines.  It tends to shut down conversation.  It sounds fatalistic.  Perhaps something Eeyore (of Winnie the Pooh fame) would say.

What is "it"?  Is "it" a fact?  Is "it" a belief?

If "it" is a fact... a verifiable, documentable, recordable, visible morsel of agreed upon data.. then yes,  "it" is what it is.  The facts are the facts.

My brother turned 60 yesterday and he said "it is what it is" and for perhaps the first time I agreed with that statement.  Yes.  The calendar and the clock are what they are.

BUT.

If "it" is a belief, then all bets are off.  Because "it" then isn't what "it" is... "it" is what I believe "it" to be.

WHO CARES?!?

We all should.  Because when we allow beliefs to become facts... like when the boss says "It's true because I said it is true."... then we put ourselves under the control of whoever has the most power in the room, the loudest voice, or the biggest weapons. 

I've gotten into the habit of listening to the news and inserting these words into just about every statement made, like this:

What they say:  "The economy might tank in the next 60 days."

 

What I hear:  "Our belief is the economy might tank in the next 60 days."

When I can hear someone's statement as their belief, I can then say to myself, "How interesting that they have that belief!"  And then, ask myself the question, "What is it I believe?"  which moves me to a more mature posture of curiosity and alignment.

Just another day at the office...

Onward!

V

Why don't you just __Fill in the Blank__?

Let's make it clear that "Why don't you just __fill in the blank___?" does not qualify as a "good question."

1.  Any question that starts with "why" is calling for a defensive response.  You might as well say, "Defend yourself on this point!"

2.  The question comes from a point of view that "__fill in the blank____" is the right thing to do.  Who says?

3.  The question calls power into the relationship.  It says, "You have the power to make me respond to whatever idea you have, regardless of how ill-advised your idea is."

4.  The question assumes that I do not have the ability to develop my own solution from the options that I consider.  It says you do not trust me nor do you value my competence.

5.  The question keeps me distracted from doing my own work and instead focuses me on trying to make you happy by my response.

So, what you think might be a helpful piece of advice is quite often a shaming, de-valuing, dis-empowering, low trust, defensive move.  Yikes!

When I feel compelled to ask someone "why don't you just...?" I can stop, take a breath, let go of my need to be right, and then ask a really good question.  And if I've exhausted all the good questions and still feel compelled to give my solution at least I can ask, "Are you open to hearing the solution I've crafted for your life?"

Onward!

V

What am I feeling?

Journeying down the tumor and neurological inflammation trail the last few years I’ve had a shift in the way I think about pain and different sensations in my body that might be worth sharing here.

 

After a 25-year "no-tears" record (from 15 to 40 years old), I began a pursuit of naming my emotional experience.  I was pretty well shut-off emotionally for a long time, so it was helpful for me to ask "How do I feel?" regularly.  And, to keep it simple, I only used the four primary emotions of anger, sadness, fear, and joy.  I became adept at tying emotion to whatever I was feeling in my body.  I believed myself when I would think, "Oh, my shoulders are tight, I must be mad.”  Or, "that sinking feeling in my gut combined with tears is sadness.  I feel sad." 

 

When all kinds of weird stuff started happening in my body a few years ago I would do the same thing. “Oh, it’s my T2 acting up and causing my feet to go numb” or "My compression fractures are carrying some stress and in pain" and the like.

 

Then, a good friend suggested that I just allow whatever sensations I am having to simply be sensations, and focus on them that way.  In a sense, he said, “Let go of all the story you make up about the sensation and experience it as a sensation.”  It has been incredibly helpful to me.  Instead of getting wrapped up in any kind of made-up story, I can just simply notice my feet feeling numb, or swollen, or painful, or my legs vibrating, or the base of my skull hurting, or any number of other sensations that I feel regularly.  When I focus on them as a sensation, they tend to abate.  It’s kind of odd but it works. 

What I’m learning about inflammation and pretty much all the auto-immune issues is that they are all tied to well-being.  Everything including food, exercise, rest, emotional expression, connection with self and others, creative outlets, prayer and gratitude, mental challenge and meditation… all of it… contributes to reducing inflammation in my body.  And, that's when I feel most alive.

 

Onward!

 

V 

Time to Shift Altitude?

On most days, I live at an elevation of about 6'2".  Whatever is right in front of me is the thing that I focus on or pay attention to.

And sometimes I want to shift altitude.  I want the one-year horizon.  The five year view.  I want to look at today from the vantage point of five years ago or five years from now.  I can go up to 14,000 feet (about as high as I've ever been on Mount Whitney) or jump in an airplane and rise up to 40,000.

And, sometimes, I want to make a twelve inch shift.  That is, the shift from what I can see in front of me, to what it is my heart wants or sees. 

Shifting altitude is about shifting perspective.  Getting out of the emotion of this moment and looking at life through a bigger lens.

Some folks live by the mantra "Live in the Moment!" and that's cool.  But sometimes, I want to let this moment also be lived in the context of the bigger story.

Onward!

Vince 

How is your Warrior?

I love the idea of Archetypes... those characters that live within all of us waiting to be welcomed onto our stage.  My Warrior is a good friend and we've been reflecting about how to mark the benchmark of 40 years on the "battlefield" of the working world.  You see, my first job was at 15 and I turned 55 in March which means I can "retire" at any time and also claim the $1 discount at the local theatre.

To mark the passage, I considered the "clear the decks and take a sabbatical" option but ended up choosing the "one week of vacation each month" option.  And, it's been fun!  Going to Hawaii, Vail, London, New Orleans, and Morro Bay with friends and loved ones ranging from my childhood next door neighbor through virtually every chapter of life up to the Friday morning coffee guys here in Palm Springs has been a joyful ride.

So, my warrior has had a little time off.  Kind of.

It's a funny thing that virtually EVERY TIME I take a vacation, the phone rings off the hook with more groups and more people wanting to work together.  The first four months of this year have been the busiest season since I went out on my own eight years ago.  Crazy!  So, perhaps my answer to the "How is My Warrior" question has a little nuance...

"My energy is clearly focused on celebrating well the 55-year benchmark.  My work is satisfying, enriching, and varied.  The relationships that are important to me enjoy an ease and flow of appreciation and warmth balanced with the give and take inherent with living in authenticity.  My health is stable and sense of self-care is grounded in healthy routines of rest, eating mindfully, and regular physical activity.  I know who I am, what I'm about, and what I'm doing." 

Onward!

V

What is it you most want(ed) to hear?

This one requires a little mental gymnastics.  Go with it.

The other night, I was stirred up.  A disturbing conversation with a friend, a long travel week, unfinished chores around the house, an event the next day.  I was out of sorts.

So, as I sometimes do, I said to Rocky, "Is it okay if I give you your lines right now?"

"Sure," he said.

Cool.  Here it is.  "Vince, you're going to be okay.  It makes sense that you'd be stirred up right now.  You seem tired and out of sorts.  Is there more?"

And he said, "Okay, what you just said."   (Rocky doesn't always follow directions well).

AND, I began to sort out.  Back from the edge a bit.  Calmed down.  Got my feet on the ground.

There is something about self-generating some good listening, a little affirmation, encouragement, support.  I know it's not about Rocky saying it back to me.  It's about me letting my feelings be.  Acknowledging.  Allowing.  Accepting.  Once I do that, I begin to appreciate what I have over what I don't have.  I begin to appreciate wherever it is that I find myself.  And, I move to more solid ground.

Try it.  Out loud.  What is it you most want to hear right now?

Onward!

V