Letting Go

"I share my thoughts so that they can benefit from my experience," he said.

"Did they ask for your thoughts?"

"Well no, but people don't always know what to ask for.  They need help."

"Okay.  Let's look at it from their side.  How might your thoughts influence their choice, their decision?"

"Well, I want my thoughts to influence them!"

"Right.  So, who is taking responsibility for whose life in this."

"You frustrate me, Vince."

"I know.  Do you want to keep going even while frustrated?"

"Of course."

"Okay.  So, when I share what I think, or even ask a clarifying question, I am almost always at some level trying to influence behavior. What if I let go of my need to influence, and instead allowed the other person to pursue their own options, their own choice?"

"Well, they might screw up."

"Indeed.  There is that risk.  What else might happen?"

"They might succeed.  I hate you, Vince."

"I know.  It sounds like you just connected a dot.  When we allow others to make their own choices, then their wins are their wins.  They are owning their own life.  They are becoming leaders.  They are successful because of their own effort and resolve."

"So, I just have to stay quiet?

"Not necessarily.  But perhaps pause first.  Allow them to develop their own options.  Ask some good questions.  Be non-judgmental and non-defensive.  Some people resonate with the idea of "accompanying" someone on their journey.  Because, at the end of the day, it is their journey."

And, on it goes.

 

What's your Vision?

I'm curious about the difference between people who have a big vision for their life or their business  and those who have a very small vision.  Some people just think in the 1's and 2's while others think of the 100's and 1000's.  What's the root?

After listening to hundreds of personal and organizational stories over the years, I have begun to form a hypothesis that goes like this:

"The only difference between people who achieve big or small visions is that those who achieve bigger visions believe they are worthy of achieving bigger visions."

It all seems to come down to belief. 

Someone was commenting the other day that a big CEO was hired because he had "an awesome rolodex", meaning he had all kinds of juicy connections that the hiring Board thought would be advantageous.  After ten years though, the CEO's alleged file of connections had not produced any fruit.  What happened?

What I learned was that the CEO came in and found an organization that didn't believe it was worthy of a big vision.  All they wanted was to protect their historical significance.  So, there was no entry point for his "rolodex" to connect.  People with big vision don't tend to connect with people with small vision.

My desire is to have a vision for my life that aligns with the gifts, capacity, and experiences that I have been afforded...  To leave behind a world that, like a campsite, is cleaner then I found it… a world of people living on purpose and using their gifts and talents for the greater good… a world connected by a common concern for the future and the belief that all people are resourceful and whole with the capacity to love and be loved.

I know how easy it is to slip into complacency and comfort.  My desire then is to stay on my edge, to stay in what makes life challenging and sometimes uncomfortable, to continue the pursuit of the uncertain outcome. 

What about you?

Onward!

V

What's Next?

Three young adult leaders of the Syrian Armenian YMCA in Yerevan were at a forum last week and we were able to meet up for a few minutes.  Amidst all of their current challenges and opportunities they have found the YMCA to be the place for their self-expression and contribution.  The three leaders were from three different political parties in Syria and would never have associated had it not been for their displacement and unified desire to support their Syrian community.  What they discovered was they had more to bring them together than to keep them apart.  While facing significant challenges in their current situation, we talked and began to break things down.  We addressed some fears.  We talked about what they were wanting.  As we progressed, I could sense a calming and a resolve to action. 

 

It occurs to me that this is how change comes about.  When challenged, we can hunker down and protect ourselves and likely not change or grow as we focus on simply surviving.  Another way is to face the challenge, honor our fears, and dig into our deeper desires.  From there, a clarity emerges that ultimately drives and motivates our forward action.

 

So, it's not so much a single question as it is following a path of exploration and inquiry.  What's going on?  What are you wanting?  What's blocking you?  How are your fears playing in the situation?  What is it you really want?  What might you do to get that?  What's next?

 

I love what I get to do.

 

Onward!

 

V

 

 

What is Truth?

"I feel sad."

 "I don't believe you."

 "Quit accusing me!"

 "I'm not accusing you.  I'm just not believing you."

 "Well, when I think about what happened, I feel sad."

 "And, I still don't believe you."

 "Well, to heck with you.  Now I'm mad."  (This is the PG version).

 

What's going on here?  Emotions and beliefs are really inarguable.  You can't say someone doesn't feel some way, and you can't tell someone they don't believe what they believe.  These are called "inarguable truths".  Both sides of this conversation are inarguable.  The feeling of sadness on the one side and the "not believing you" on the other are both truth.

Perhaps then, a more integrated way for the conversation to go would have been:
 
"I feel sad."
"I don't believe you." 
"I get it.  You don't believe me.  And, I feel sad.  Both are true."
"Yes, they are."

End of story.

Am I doing what I want to be doing?

Now, this is a loaded question.

Some would say that we only do what we want to do.  They would say we create our reality and so everything we do aligns with the reality we are creating.  And, all of our complaints and protestations aside, what we are doing is exactly what we want to be doing. 

Which begs the question, "How does it serve me to do what I do?"  At first, this is hard to get my head around.  "Serve me"?  That's what waiters do.  So, another way to ask the question might be, "How does doing this thing that I complain about help me avoid confronting or facing some part of myself that I might find bothersome, vulnerable, or distasteful?"  Ouch!

It's so much easier to just blame and complain.  To keep doing whatever it is I'm doing and play the victim, villain, or the hero and keep the racket going.  There's a million reasons why doing something else won't work, so why even try?  Or, if I don't do it no one else will so I just keep on keeping on.  It's my burden to carry.  Or, I'll show all of you how great I am by doing this thing that will prove to you how great I am!

Any way you slice it, every step I take is a choice.  No matter how I got here, no matter how messed up my world has been, the next step is a choice.  No doubt I can be bound to old beliefs and old stories and justify my circumstances, but I can also embrace my deeper desires and begin to take steps toward that desire.  But that means I have to get clear on my desire.  What it is I want.  And, that's when the work starts.

Onward!

V

It's Annual Review Time

When Rocky and I met five years ago we knew that our connection was a "right place at the right time" sort of thing.  I had just gotten back from a trip to Australia and was ready to consider a relationship after five years alone but had no plan, and Rocky had given up looking.  That's when he almost ran in to me as I crossed the street.

Roll the tape forward, and with all this relationship equality stuff aside, living with a middle-aged guy isn't exactly a walk in the park.  We can be grumpy, set in our ways, are happy until we're not, and generally expect the world to revolve around whatever it is we're focused on at the moment.  Either one of us can flip from "my way or the highway" to "just take care of me" in a nano-second.  We can cuss each other out and throw punches one minute and then melt in the next.  There's a part of me that believes that just as teens should be shipped off for the middle-school years, middle-aged men should be locked away for the five-ten years it takes us to come through the realization that the sun doesn't rise just for us, that no one cares nearly as much about our faults as we do, and we're probably not going to be President of the United States so get over it.

This may sound like a rant about Rocky, but it's not.  I'm looking in the mirror at the moment.  In fact, I know that the stuff about him that bugs me most is all stuff that I see in myself when I de-fog the mirror and look carefully.

A lot of beliefs have been challenged these past few years.  A big one that was honed over a lifetime and very hard for me to let go of was: "Relationships are hard, contentious, and meant to be a struggle."  Bologna.  Relationship is just as hard as I make it.  When I choose to be grounded and connected, relationship is a breeze.  Because, whatever is going on in him at that moment is simply what's going on in him.  "Isn't it interesting that he is having a storm right now.  I wonder how I might support him in his storm?"  When I am un-balanced, off-center, non-grounded, and disconnected, whatever is going on in him becomes a direct attack on me.  "Can't we just have some peace in this house?  Do I have to fix everything? How did I get put in charge of you?"  And the tempers fly.

One of the things we agreed to early on was to have an annual performance evaluation for our relationship.  It happens in July and this one was particularly grueling.  Five years is enough time to know where all the buttons are and we're both pretty good at pushing them for each other.  Lots of teeth gnashing, growling, and barking.  We gave each other a 70 and 72 on a 100 point scale ("But I was NEVER a "C" student!!!").  And, at the end of it, we said, "As of today, I am committed to staying in, growing, and building our relationship in ways that work for both of us."

What would the annual performance review for your key relationships say?  And then, "How's that working for you?"

Onward!

V

"It Is What It Is"

Or, is it?

This is not one of my favorite lines.  It tends to shut down conversation.  It sounds fatalistic.  Perhaps something Eeyore (of Winnie the Pooh fame) would say.

What is "it"?  Is "it" a fact?  Is "it" a belief?

If "it" is a fact... a verifiable, documentable, recordable, visible morsel of agreed upon data.. then yes,  "it" is what it is.  The facts are the facts.

My brother turned 60 yesterday and he said "it is what it is" and for perhaps the first time I agreed with that statement.  Yes.  The calendar and the clock are what they are.

BUT.

If "it" is a belief, then all bets are off.  Because "it" then isn't what "it" is... "it" is what I believe "it" to be.

WHO CARES?!?

We all should.  Because when we allow beliefs to become facts... like when the boss says "It's true because I said it is true."... then we put ourselves under the control of whoever has the most power in the room, the loudest voice, or the biggest weapons. 

I've gotten into the habit of listening to the news and inserting these words into just about every statement made, like this:

What they say:  "The economy might tank in the next 60 days."

 

What I hear:  "Our belief is the economy might tank in the next 60 days."

When I can hear someone's statement as their belief, I can then say to myself, "How interesting that they have that belief!"  And then, ask myself the question, "What is it I believe?"  which moves me to a more mature posture of curiosity and alignment.

Just another day at the office...

Onward!

V