Clear and Clean?

We’re born with an innate connection between desire and action. We want something and we act to get it. Clear desire (food). Clean action (cry).

So, what changes?

Along the way, we learn things. We feel things. We get hurt. We hear messages and believe them… “you don’t really want that…” or “you really aren’t good enough for that…”. We then learn to do things that appear to avoid the hurt as we seek to get what we want. Then, we learn that we don’t always get what we want, and sometimes that turns into not knowing what we want so that we won’t be hurt and disappointed if we don’t get it. Sound at all familiar?

My sense is that our thoughts (or beliefs, opinions, judgments) and our feelings (anger, sadness, joy, fear) over time begin to cloud the circuit, or the path, between clear desire and clean action. So what we end up with is a confusing mass of false beliefs and unresolved emotions that have been stored up over the years invading the clarity of the present moment. We avoid situations out of fear, we over-react out of past hurts, our short-fused anger bludgeons a loved one over spilt milk, or we delude or medicate ourselves into a Pollyanna sense of perpetual happiness.

So, if it’s working for you, keep it. And, if you’re at a point where it’s not working then… “What do you want to have happen?” and then, “What’s the risk for you to have that happen?”

Because, if there wasn’t a risk involved, then you would have likely gotten it long ago.

When you decide the risks are worth it… ask for help. There is no reason to go it alone… and the simple process of asking for the help of a trusted guide may be just the dose of vulnerability that is needed to begin the journey.

Onward!

V

Is there more? (there’s almost always more)

August 15, 2023.  Driving I-70 home to Summit County from Boulder, Colorado.  I lose consciousness.  Thankfully, Will is with me in the Sprinter and I give him about 3 seconds notice so he could hop over from his seat and get us off the road.

Long and short is I’ve likely had seizures my whole life, and they chose now to break through.  I had been having “moments feeling off” since the Spring, so this was an escalation.  I stopped driving while looking for causation.  Started meds in December and then cautiously driving a couple months later.

That’s all the data.  But, is there more?  Of course!

“Plan A” is really important.  Get out.  Live today.  Build the best life possible.  Have fun.  Love fully.  Because,

“Plan B” may need to kick in at an exit on I-70 with little notice.  Or, a cancer diagnosis may show up.  An accident.  An unexpected loss of capacity.  No driving for 6 months.

I’m still living a bit in Plan B.  The loved ones around me keep an eye out.  I don’t swim alone.  I don’t ski the trees quite as aggressively.  I hydrate with abandon and pay close attention to emotional stress and any sort of infection.  I’m careful to ensure whoever I’m with knows the possibility and what to do (put a pill I always carry under my tongue.)

While my one-year sabbatical was already in the works before all this happened, my “Around the World Friend Tour” was partially inspired by my desire to live Plan A.

I haven’t broadly shared this.  Part of me has felt afraid.  Haven’t wanted to show fragility. My “Inner Hero” needed to stay solid and out front for all to see.  The shift comes now from my commitment to living authentically, and my willingness to risk that I might be judged “less than.”  I’m willing to take the risk of exposing one of my many imperfections.  

On the whole, my world is pretty darn good and I hope to live Plan A fully, while always keeping Plan B in mind.

Thoughts?

Onward!

How Can I Make it Right?

"So team, how do we support one another when one of us stumbles or falls?"

Great question! Unless, you are the CEO and you are the one who has stumbled.

Ouch.

The CEO-employee relationship has unequal power because the CEO ultimately signs the paycheck of everyone in the room. And, this creates a parent-child dynamic. And, the ice gets very thin when parents ask their kids for support. Why is that?

A child cannot be asked to provide for the emotional needs of the parent. At some level, this defines abuse, or at the very least co-dependency.

A child will always want to please the parent, even when it goes against their nature or their desire or "what is right". So, in this way we risk asking the child to step away from authenticity and into a masked character or persona. Again, not the target we're aiming for as parents... or as CEO's.

Children need to know that parents have the maturity to self-generate their own support and affirmation. They also need to know we're human. And, that we take 100% responsibility for our emotions and our actions.

So when a parent stumbles... or a CEO... the appropriate response in my belief is to clear the issue while taking 100% responsibility for it. "I did this. I see my mistake. And, I feel bad. I also see how it affects you. How can I make it right with you?"

When we first hear the question... "how can I make it right?"... we assume that whoever we are asking it of will come back with horrendous, over-the-top, or impossible demands. Not my experience. The question, when asked in a curious and "want-to-be-in-relationship" kind of way more often brings humility, mercy, understanding and connection. Wow. And... that is what I want with my kids... and my employees.

Onward!

V

(More? "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, PhD)

Who Wants Ice Cream!?!

I love ice cream.  It's simple.  I love it.  I love the memories it evokes and I love the taste, and the coolness.  There is nothing about ice cream that I do not love. 

Except that I sometimes love it too much.  You see, when I get going on ice cream, there is no stopping me.  If a pint is enough a quart is better.  And let's do it again tomorrow night.

So, when I get the urge for some ice cream, a whole chorus kicks into gear in my head.

• "Your gut isn't as slim as it used to be."
• "Just eat some.  You deserve it!"
• "There is a McDonalds 1.2 miles away.  You can make the stop in less than five minutes.  Just make the decision and get it done!"
• "Those Hot Fudge Sundae's are tiny.  Go for it!"
• "What is it you are really wanting right now, Vince?"
• "Let's invite someone else to go with us and make it a social event!"
• "You know what happens when you have "just one".  It's a week long binge!  Careful now!"

So, I kind of get this stuff.

There is a part of me that protects me from myself.  Protects me from harm, hurt, vulnerability.
There is a part of me that says "go for it" and "let's connect" with some others along the way.
There is a part of me that wants to step back and assess what it is I really want and make a mature decision.
And, there is a part of me ready to kick into action and get it done.

Which means that it really isn't about the ice cream.  It's about living in a place of ease and flow, managing the competition between the head and the heart, finding my soul.  It's about getting clear on what I want and then acting from a place of maturity.  It's about honoring desires while also managing risk.

Uh oh.  Just spilled some ice cream on the keyboard.

Onward!

V

What would guide your steps in a gap year?

In March of this year I decided to end all of my current work and take a gap year in 2024.  It’s been a process of letting go, handing off, and ending well.   Let’s unpack this a bit!

The facts are I’ve been working independently as a solo facilitator since 2006.  Before that, I spent 25 years climbing through a career in organizational leadership development.  I’m turning 65 in 2024.  I can cover a year of living expenses without dipping into my retirement savings.  My kids are well launched and don’t look to me for much more than loving on their kids now and then.  Those are a few of the facts.

The stories I make up are many. 

·     “You’re old and it’s time to turn it over to a rising generation.”

·     “You’re young and have plenty of fuel in the tank to create impact.”

·     “Everyone only knows you in your “Leader” persona.  They may not like you if you leave that persona behind.”

·     “You have been doing the same thing so long you have completely lost touch with your earlier desires, passions, and interests.”

·     “Your body might stick with you, or it might have a different idea.  One never knows.”

·     “You don’t know what to do with yourself when there is nothing you have to do.  You’ll  become a slug on the couch and likely die a lonely death face down in a gutter.” 

I could go on.

When I think of all that, I feel anxious.

What I want is to curate a full life and be open to the uncertain adventure.  I want a world grounded in love and belonging.

Is there more?  Of course there is more!

For the most part, I have the world I want.  My circles extend across the globe and in my hometowns.  I have good people around me who accept that I am not “full time” anywhere or with anyone.  My world is diverse and stimulating.  The “magnitude of change” between my current state and any desired future is very small.  The big question comes as I allow my current state to wind down and invite a moment standing at the precipice of the unknown.

What I know about myself in this is that I am almost always optimistic.  I don’t camp long on the “Island of Victims” and have a track record of taking stock, adjusting, pivoting, and making the best of the circumstances that are in front of me.  Why I think that might change is rooted in the difference of “internally motivated change” and “externally forced change.”  Most of my transition moments have been driven by external events.  I got fired.  A relationship ended.  My kids grew up.  I adjusted to those realities.

This time is different.  I am creating the change.  I am bringing curiosity to what 65+ wants to look like.  And it scares me.  I’ve had enough health issues to know that capacity changes sometimes in the blink of an eye.  If I let go of the fear and anxiety there is a risk that I will flounder, and there is the possibility that I will thrive and discover a whole new path.  I choose to take the risk.

What then will guide my steps?  Here are a few of my ideas.

·     Be gentle.  Live the life I am living and adjust to the reality of a “mostly blank” calendar.  Capture learnings in the quiet moments.

·     Look at this as a series of experiments.  Design low-cost probes.  Take some risk.  Do some things differently than I have in the past and intentionally learn from the results.

·     Connect with others on similar journeys.  Observe.  Engage.  Stay curious and suspend judgment on anyone else’s choices or pathways.

·     Have fun.  When feeing anxious make the shift to appreciation.  Re-focus on what I have over what I don’t have.  Find the joy in every circumstance.

 There is likely more.  And, I’d love to hear your story.

 What would guide your steps in a gap year?

The Coffee Cup

A million years ago I took on re-developing an outdoor leadership camp in the High Sierras of California.  What we started with was rustic, rough, and run down.  An old marine generator would put some flicker into a few light bulbs, there were ancient propane-powered refrigerators, the cabins were a patchwork of styles that served as better homes for rodents than people, and the water came from a straw stuck into the creek that ran through camp.  I loved it.

We got to work.  Built a new chapel area.  Added a deck onto the dining hall and moved the outdoor tables off the dirt.  Cleaned up the cabins as best we could.  Dug a 1/2 mile ditch and connected to both  town water and power, retiring the old water vault and marine generator.  I loved it even more.

We were serving about 100 people and the two Wolfe Range ovens and griddle were adequate.   We had a 1929 Hobart Mixer which the Hobart Company refurbished for free they were so impressed it was still in use. With power we had a brand new commercial refrigerator and freezer.  

Unlike our bigger camp properties, we ran the kitchen with volunteers who committed to join us only for a week.  For each meal, someone took on the "griddle-meister" role, "salad maker", "buffet line host" and such.  We served breakfast and then everyone including the cooks packed a sack lunch for their day of outdoor adventuring.  We'd come back to the kitchen around 4 to prepare dinner.  And, this is the part I really loved.

If pressed, I knew I could have gotten any meal out on my own.  But, on any given week, there would be 4-6 folks who had come to camp specifically to serve the hundred or so campers.  These were business owners, donors, professionals, parents and grandparents.  Their experience of serving was part of the magic we wanted to create.  So, the question became, "What do I do with me while they cook?"  

"Not all of us are made to cook.  Some of us are made to have conversations with those who are cooking."

And, this is where the coffee cup comes into the story.  I would hold one.  Almost always.  Because, if I was holding a coffee cup I wasn't doing anything.  I was coaching, cheering, and conversating.  Sure, I'd maybe grab a box of something out of the pantry or show someone how to quickly stem a strawberry (just ask me sometime), but the coffee cup reminded me that my best contribution was not in cooking, but in accompanying.  I'd get teased regularly by the cooks and yet they also appreciated what I was doing by not doing.

Michael Eisner (the former Disney CEO) was involved with us and we talked once about his book "Camp" and his early learnings. Well, this is one of the things I learned about leadership at camp.  I learned that "my lane" as the CEO was to accompany others on their journey of growth, development, leadership, and success.  And, what I really learned was how much those I was leading appreciated it when I stayed in my lane.  Success became their success.  

I doubt if anyone notices it today, but on every 1:1 video conference call, the first thing the person I am meeting with sees is me taking a sip from a coffee cup.  It's a subtle (too subtle?) way to remind them (and me!) that "this hour is about you, your growth, your success."

So, when are you cooking, and when might you be better holding The Coffee Cup?

Stressful Week?

This week was exhausting.  I feel depleted.  Last minute additional travel with venue changes.  Challenging group.  Very little down time.  Eating and drinking a bit off the rails.

What do I know when I am feeling this way?

• Best to only make decisions that must be made right now.
• Gentleness goes a long way.  Be gentle.
• Take time to slow down.  Breathe.  
• Take a walk.  Get a good workout.
• Do some simple tasks like laundry and grocery shopping.

While it is not always pretty, these work for me.  How about you?

V