Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Lunch with Mel

My favorite was a simple turkey sandwich with cream cheese and cranberry sauce at a funky little shop in old town Tustin.  Over the course of ten or eleven years that's what I had when Mel and I met for lunch.

Mel owned a machinery business in Santa Ana and I loved watching it work.  They made small parts for airplanes I think.  I remember he offered math and english classes for his employees which was an unnecessary yet meaningul thing to do back in the day.  At lunch we would talk about his business and how it differed from the work I did.  He impressed upon me the importance of meeting market demand... "if you turn someone away you create competition for yourself because someone else will meet the need".  Funny the things we remember. 

He was a dad in the Y's Indian Guides and Indian Princesses program.  As a young buck program director I remember more than a few enjoyable moments around the campfire.  Mel was part of a group of dads who played a subtle yet extremely competitive game of "one-up" when it came to camp cooking.  Some of the best steaks and shrimp came off their BBQs accompanied perhaps by a fine glass of Zinfandel.  Or two.

Mel took it upon himself to stay in touch even after his official role as the Y Board chair was completed.  He reached out and found me at odd intervals, always making it seem like the most natural thing in the world.  He showed me a respect that was not deserved at 25 and 30 years old.  Somehow, I always had the sense that Mel "got me."  Along with a handful of others, he was instrumental in my early successes not so much by what he did, but how he was.  He never took it all too seriously.  He held things with a lite grip.  He would come with Cheryl to whatever events we cooked up and was a steadfast supporter.

And, like many mentoring relationships, my time with Mel came to a close as I moved to a new position in a new city.  Life moved on.  And, but for a chance meeting at the car wash along the way, I haven't connected with Mel in nearly 20 years.  But his presence in my life lives on.

And now, this.  Mel's life was taken yesterday by a young man on a rampage.  The young man later took his own life as well.  Mel was simply on his way to work early, like always.  We will certainly learn more about the young man's life through the lens of his death.  And, we'll be shocked and saddened.  My guess is we will hear a story of isolation.  A young man in turmoil.  No one to turn to.  A young man not truly known by anyone.

And the irony of it is that Mel was the kind of guy that reached out to ensure that young people were known.  That young people were welcomed into community.  Given respect they didn't deserve.  He did it with me.  He made it happen for thousands through his support of our work.

My hope is that the story of Melvin Lee Edwards life will be remembered as a guy who knew people.  A guy who cared.  And, my hope is that Mel's life becomes even more instructive to me on the importance of reaching out.  Of connecting.  Of giving respect to those who may not deserve it.

He wasn't perfect.  None are.  I'll forgive him for that just as I forgive myself when I fall short.  And, I'll remember Mel as a man deserving of my respect.

(From Left:  Sharon and George Peters, Cheryl and Mel Edwards, Leo Connolly)

Friday, February 1, 2013

What's my 100%?

For years, I lived multiple lives... I had my work life and my home life.  My inner life and my public life.  I spent a great deal of energy managing all my lives and ensuring that I showed up just right in each one.  People that knew me twenty and thirty years ago have told me that they never really knew me... that they always sensed they were getting just a part of me... and they were right!

For several years now I have been shifting to a "whole-life" view of things.  It seems that I really am just one person and the more I can look at myself as an integrated whole the more energy I have to simply be me... as opposed to managing the story of me.

One tool I use at the beginning of every meeting or retreat that I facilitate is called the "Whole Life Check In". At first some are reluctant to peel back and reveal the layers of their life but in the end almost everyone appreciates the few moments of permission to reflect on themselves.  No one ever shares more than they want to share and I have found that in even the most task-oriented business setting that starting this way focuses first on "who we are" so that "what we might do together" becomes stronger and more effective.

Click on the Whole Life Check In link here to download the one-page handout.  In some ways I use this every day.  What do you think?

Onward!

V

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Is it okay to push?

And then he said, "Sometimes I just want to call them out on their s**t, you know?  Isn't it okay to push a little?"

"So, whose s**t is it?" I asked.

"It's theirs!  I can see it!"

"Hmm. Some might say that we can only see what it is that we have... or think that we have.  Smarter people than I call those "projections".  We project what we inwardly believe to be true about ourselves on to others."

"That sucks."

"Well, maybe.  And it's pretty valuable. Because when I see something in someone else it's an opportunity to get curious about what I see and perhaps really want in my own life."

"You're doing it again.  You're "vince-ing" me."

"I'll take that as a compliment. And, when it comes to pushing... here's my thought.  Check in with yourself first.  Is the "push" coming from your own projection?  Your own fear?  Or is the "push" coming from your solution for their life?  If so, stop.  Take a breath."

"Okay.  I can see that."

"Great.  And then... when you're clear with yourself, consider "pushing" by asking a tough question.. one that invites a different perspective or a gut level response."

He paused.  "Someone stopped me in my tracks the other day with "what's stopping you from action?"  It helped me realize that there was nothing stopping me except myself."

"Exactly.  Sounds like the push you needed."





Sunday, January 6, 2013

How Old is that Picture?

Years ago I was sharing a story about some angst I was having in navigating a delicate situation.  I wasn't believing that I would handle things well.  My confidence was low as I shared my concerns.

"It sounds like you're carrying a pretty old picture of yourself," said a friendly colleague.

"Huh?  I asked."

"Well, as I've gotten to know you and seen your work and the way you've managed yourself, I'd say you have what it takes to handle this.  It's just you're carrying that old picture of yourself that comes with an old script for how you used to react in this kind of situation."

Hmm.

This past week I invited a friend/photographer over to update some of my profile shots.  My first thought was... "now that's an old picture!"  Aside from exposing a few more wrinkles and gray hair though, I think it's good to update our pictures now and then.  We've grown.  Changed. There's new story that likely defies some of the old story... and the new picture wants to be anchored in who we are today.

So, "How old is that picture you are carrying of you?"

Onward!

V


Monday, December 31, 2012

What will I let go?

At yoga earlier today my drill sargeant-turned-choreographer-yogi said... "To add something new or different in your life, you must first let go of something in order to create space for the new."  He admonished that the time-tested swift kick in the butt may not be the best path.

My first "letting go" thought was "butter"... but that's just not realistic.  Butter is simply the essence of life.  It signifies free will and choice.  Butter is all about youthful abandon and carefree living.  It is sweet and salty and everything good all wrapped up in one. 

And then I thought that perhaps our instructor was calling us to a slightly deeper level.  But as I tried to go deeper I kept coming back to butter.  Or more significantly, what butter means to me. 

On reflection, I see that I have clearly over-empowered butter in my life.  I make it mean something more than what it is.  I create a story around butter that my life would be worth less without it.  But the truth is I have freedom of choice.  I live my life in the ease and flow.  I work hard and play well.  Perhaps, it might be possible to have all that and let go of butter.  Just, perhaps.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Just do what I say!

How often do I just want to tell someone what I think they should do?  And that they should just do it!  And, how often do I do what others tell me what they think I should do?  Rarely, if ever.

So, when someone feels compelled to give me some unsolicited advice, I ask them... "So, what experience have you had in your life that compels you to give me that advice?"  And, that's when the train stops and I get to hear from their story as opposed to hearing their view of mine.

I also know that I am sharing from my own life experience when I am speaking in the first person, past tense... "When that thing happened, I learned..."... and I know that I am slipping into giving advice when I am speaking from the second person, present tense... "Here's what you oughta do... now." 

Not that there's anything wrong with giving advice.  I just haven't found unsolicited advice all that helpful in my life. 

So, the next time someone starts giving you unwanted advice, here's what you oughta do...

Onward!

V

Friday, November 30, 2012

Where did you learn that?


Throughout life we have learned things about ourselves… sometimes from experiences, and often from the words of others.  We were told things about ourselves.  We were told some things that were perhaps true.  And, we were told some things that were likely untrue. 

Sometimes then, when I can become an observer of my own life…I can remember those times and places where I learned something about myself that was untrue, when I was given a false belief about myself.  Who did I learn it from?  What was going on?  What did I learn to believe?  And as I observe my life, I can inquire how that belief has played out.  Showed up.  Caused me pain.

And, I can name the belief.  I can recognize how it perhaps served me once and to acknowledge today that it does not serve me now.  I can embrace a new belief. 
What is the belief that you might release, or let go of today?