What are you Tolerating?

A million years ago I had a new office closet built in my home.  It's a handy spot for my not-often-used printer, a filing cabinet, and space for various office supplies.  Very functional.

And, the door has been stuck and the light switch hanging off the wall since it was finished.

Why have I tolerated this?  It takes a hip shove to get the door open or closed.  I've had to reach around the corner and slap the light switch to get it turned on. Annoying, but not debilitating.

So, "Why have I tolerated this?" must be big question!  How many areas of my life am I tolerating something that is annoying but not causing enough pain to fix it?  The toilet paper holder that tilts slightly.  The office chair that can't seem to hold the seat at the desired height.  The lack of tongs in the kitchen.  The outdoor sprinklers that either over-water or starve the plants.  The list could go on if I gave it a little more thought.

Yikes!  What to do?

Today, I sanded down the offending part of the closet door and replaced the switch cover. It feels wonderful, and the door is performing as expected.  No one would ever notice that it is working correctly.  

And, perhaps this is what it took for me to get it done:  

1.  Consider how it served me to put up with this annoyance: 

    "I don't spend time on stupid stuff."

    "I don't have to challenge my lack of fix-it skills."

    "A little pain in my life reminds me I'm not all that special"

2.  Ask, "Will I let go of all that silliness to perhaps get the good feeling afterward?"  Yes.  (This is the crux move.  Without a yes here, nothing would ever happen.)

3.  Get it on a committed fix-it list (where it has languished for years).  

4.  Took a small incremental step forward.  (Put it on my calendar). 

5.  Got it done.

While it seems like a complicating process, it works.  And, my closet door doesn't stick.

What is Okay?

A question running around today in just about every circle is "Are we going to be okay?"  This leads me to think about "What is okay?"

We each have a circle of control.  All that is inside the circle is within our control.  Everything outside is out of our control.  When we really think about it, there is likely more outside of our control than inside.  So, we might do well to keep our focus on what we can control.

For the last 18 months I have been wrestling with gaining control of the occasional seizures I was experiencing.  What is in my control in this process is hydration, managing emotional stress, committing to a regimen of daily medication.  What is out of my direct control is how my physical brain responds.

So, when I look at the world I can ask, "What is in my direct control?"  And then, "Am I okay with that?"

My hope is to focus on what I have over what I don't have.  I can't control the world stage but can control how I respond to it.  I can choose to stay connected to the natural world and get dirt under my feet.  I can choose to stay connected with good friends and create meals with fresh local ingredients.  I can connect to local groups solving local issues.  I can appreciate a sunset.  I can choose to do business where I choose.

It's natural to think about what is going wrong over what is going right. Let's keep those in balance.  Before talking about what is going wrong, let's talk about what can be appreciated in this moment. Try it and see if you become a little more okay.

Onward!

V

Clear and Clean?

We’re born with an innate connection between desire and action. We want something and we act to get it. Clear desire (food). Clean action (cry).

So, what changes?

Along the way, we learn things. We feel things. We get hurt. We hear messages and believe them… “you don’t really want that…” or “you really aren’t good enough for that…”. We then learn to do things that appear to avoid the hurt as we seek to get what we want. Then, we learn that we don’t always get what we want, and sometimes that turns into not knowing what we want so that we won’t be hurt and disappointed if we don’t get it. Sound at all familiar?

My sense is that our thoughts (or beliefs, opinions, judgments) and our feelings (anger, sadness, joy, fear) over time begin to cloud the circuit, or the path, between clear desire and clean action. So what we end up with is a confusing mass of false beliefs and unresolved emotions that have been stored up over the years invading the clarity of the present moment. We avoid situations out of fear, we over-react out of past hurts, our short-fused anger bludgeons a loved one over spilt milk, or we delude or medicate ourselves into a Pollyanna sense of perpetual happiness.

So, if it’s working for you, keep it. And, if you’re at a point where it’s not working then… “What do you want to have happen?” and then, “What’s the risk for you to have that happen?”

Because, if there wasn’t a risk involved, then you would have likely gotten it long ago.

When you decide the risks are worth it… ask for help. There is no reason to go it alone… and the simple process of asking for the help of a trusted guide may be just the dose of vulnerability that is needed to begin the journey.

Onward!

V

Is there more? (there’s almost always more)

August 15, 2023.  Driving I-70 home to Summit County from Boulder, Colorado.  I lose consciousness.  Thankfully, Will is with me in the Sprinter and I give him about 3 seconds notice so he could hop over from his seat and get us off the road.

Long and short is I’ve likely had seizures my whole life, and they chose now to break through.  I had been having “moments feeling off” since the Spring, so this was an escalation.  I stopped driving while looking for causation.  Started meds in December and then cautiously driving a couple months later.

That’s all the data.  But, is there more?  Of course!

“Plan A” is really important.  Get out.  Live today.  Build the best life possible.  Have fun.  Love fully.  Because,

“Plan B” may need to kick in at an exit on I-70 with little notice.  Or, a cancer diagnosis may show up.  An accident.  An unexpected loss of capacity.  No driving for 6 months.

I’m still living a bit in Plan B.  The loved ones around me keep an eye out.  I don’t swim alone.  I don’t ski the trees quite as aggressively.  I hydrate with abandon and pay close attention to emotional stress and any sort of infection.  I’m careful to ensure whoever I’m with knows the possibility and what to do (put a pill I always carry under my tongue.)

While my one-year sabbatical was already in the works before all this happened, my “Around the World Friend Tour” was partially inspired by my desire to live Plan A.

I haven’t broadly shared this.  Part of me has felt afraid.  Haven’t wanted to show fragility. My “Inner Hero” needed to stay solid and out front for all to see.  The shift comes now from my commitment to living authentically, and my willingness to risk that I might be judged “less than.”  I’m willing to take the risk of exposing one of my many imperfections.  

On the whole, my world is pretty darn good and I hope to live Plan A fully, while always keeping Plan B in mind.

Thoughts?

Onward!

How Can I Make it Right?

"So team, how do we support one another when one of us stumbles or falls?"

Great question! Unless, you are the CEO and you are the one who has stumbled.

Ouch.

The CEO-employee relationship has unequal power because the CEO ultimately signs the paycheck of everyone in the room. And, this creates a parent-child dynamic. And, the ice gets very thin when parents ask their kids for support. Why is that?

A child cannot be asked to provide for the emotional needs of the parent. At some level, this defines abuse, or at the very least co-dependency.

A child will always want to please the parent, even when it goes against their nature or their desire or "what is right". So, in this way we risk asking the child to step away from authenticity and into a masked character or persona. Again, not the target we're aiming for as parents... or as CEO's.

Children need to know that parents have the maturity to self-generate their own support and affirmation. They also need to know we're human. And, that we take 100% responsibility for our emotions and our actions.

So when a parent stumbles... or a CEO... the appropriate response in my belief is to clear the issue while taking 100% responsibility for it. "I did this. I see my mistake. And, I feel bad. I also see how it affects you. How can I make it right with you?"

When we first hear the question... "how can I make it right?"... we assume that whoever we are asking it of will come back with horrendous, over-the-top, or impossible demands. Not my experience. The question, when asked in a curious and "want-to-be-in-relationship" kind of way more often brings humility, mercy, understanding and connection. Wow. And... that is what I want with my kids... and my employees.

Onward!

V

(More? "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, PhD)

Who Wants Ice Cream!?!

I love ice cream.  It's simple.  I love it.  I love the memories it evokes and I love the taste, and the coolness.  There is nothing about ice cream that I do not love. 

Except that I sometimes love it too much.  You see, when I get going on ice cream, there is no stopping me.  If a pint is enough a quart is better.  And let's do it again tomorrow night.

So, when I get the urge for some ice cream, a whole chorus kicks into gear in my head.

• "Your gut isn't as slim as it used to be."
• "Just eat some.  You deserve it!"
• "There is a McDonalds 1.2 miles away.  You can make the stop in less than five minutes.  Just make the decision and get it done!"
• "Those Hot Fudge Sundae's are tiny.  Go for it!"
• "What is it you are really wanting right now, Vince?"
• "Let's invite someone else to go with us and make it a social event!"
• "You know what happens when you have "just one".  It's a week long binge!  Careful now!"

So, I kind of get this stuff.

There is a part of me that protects me from myself.  Protects me from harm, hurt, vulnerability.
There is a part of me that says "go for it" and "let's connect" with some others along the way.
There is a part of me that wants to step back and assess what it is I really want and make a mature decision.
And, there is a part of me ready to kick into action and get it done.

Which means that it really isn't about the ice cream.  It's about living in a place of ease and flow, managing the competition between the head and the heart, finding my soul.  It's about getting clear on what I want and then acting from a place of maturity.  It's about honoring desires while also managing risk.

Uh oh.  Just spilled some ice cream on the keyboard.

Onward!

V

What would guide your steps in a gap year?

In March of this year I decided to end all of my current work and take a gap year in 2024.  It’s been a process of letting go, handing off, and ending well.   Let’s unpack this a bit!

The facts are I’ve been working independently as a solo facilitator since 2006.  Before that, I spent 25 years climbing through a career in organizational leadership development.  I’m turning 65 in 2024.  I can cover a year of living expenses without dipping into my retirement savings.  My kids are well launched and don’t look to me for much more than loving on their kids now and then.  Those are a few of the facts.

The stories I make up are many. 

·     “You’re old and it’s time to turn it over to a rising generation.”

·     “You’re young and have plenty of fuel in the tank to create impact.”

·     “Everyone only knows you in your “Leader” persona.  They may not like you if you leave that persona behind.”

·     “You have been doing the same thing so long you have completely lost touch with your earlier desires, passions, and interests.”

·     “Your body might stick with you, or it might have a different idea.  One never knows.”

·     “You don’t know what to do with yourself when there is nothing you have to do.  You’ll  become a slug on the couch and likely die a lonely death face down in a gutter.” 

I could go on.

When I think of all that, I feel anxious.

What I want is to curate a full life and be open to the uncertain adventure.  I want a world grounded in love and belonging.

Is there more?  Of course there is more!

For the most part, I have the world I want.  My circles extend across the globe and in my hometowns.  I have good people around me who accept that I am not “full time” anywhere or with anyone.  My world is diverse and stimulating.  The “magnitude of change” between my current state and any desired future is very small.  The big question comes as I allow my current state to wind down and invite a moment standing at the precipice of the unknown.

What I know about myself in this is that I am almost always optimistic.  I don’t camp long on the “Island of Victims” and have a track record of taking stock, adjusting, pivoting, and making the best of the circumstances that are in front of me.  Why I think that might change is rooted in the difference of “internally motivated change” and “externally forced change.”  Most of my transition moments have been driven by external events.  I got fired.  A relationship ended.  My kids grew up.  I adjusted to those realities.

This time is different.  I am creating the change.  I am bringing curiosity to what 65+ wants to look like.  And it scares me.  I’ve had enough health issues to know that capacity changes sometimes in the blink of an eye.  If I let go of the fear and anxiety there is a risk that I will flounder, and there is the possibility that I will thrive and discover a whole new path.  I choose to take the risk.

What then will guide my steps?  Here are a few of my ideas.

·     Be gentle.  Live the life I am living and adjust to the reality of a “mostly blank” calendar.  Capture learnings in the quiet moments.

·     Look at this as a series of experiments.  Design low-cost probes.  Take some risk.  Do some things differently than I have in the past and intentionally learn from the results.

·     Connect with others on similar journeys.  Observe.  Engage.  Stay curious and suspend judgment on anyone else’s choices or pathways.

·     Have fun.  When feeing anxious make the shift to appreciation.  Re-focus on what I have over what I don’t have.  Find the joy in every circumstance.

 There is likely more.  And, I’d love to hear your story.

 What would guide your steps in a gap year?

The Coffee Cup

A million years ago I took on re-developing an outdoor leadership camp in the High Sierras of California.  What we started with was rustic, rough, and run down.  An old marine generator would put some flicker into a few light bulbs, there were ancient propane-powered refrigerators, the cabins were a patchwork of styles that served as better homes for rodents than people, and the water came from a straw stuck into the creek that ran through camp.  I loved it.

We got to work.  Built a new chapel area.  Added a deck onto the dining hall and moved the outdoor tables off the dirt.  Cleaned up the cabins as best we could.  Dug a 1/2 mile ditch and connected to both  town water and power, retiring the old water vault and marine generator.  I loved it even more.

We were serving about 100 people and the two Wolfe Range ovens and griddle were adequate.   We had a 1929 Hobart Mixer which the Hobart Company refurbished for free they were so impressed it was still in use. With power we had a brand new commercial refrigerator and freezer.  

Unlike our bigger camp properties, we ran the kitchen with volunteers who committed to join us only for a week.  For each meal, someone took on the "griddle-meister" role, "salad maker", "buffet line host" and such.  We served breakfast and then everyone including the cooks packed a sack lunch for their day of outdoor adventuring.  We'd come back to the kitchen around 4 to prepare dinner.  And, this is the part I really loved.

If pressed, I knew I could have gotten any meal out on my own.  But, on any given week, there would be 4-6 folks who had come to camp specifically to serve the hundred or so campers.  These were business owners, donors, professionals, parents and grandparents.  Their experience of serving was part of the magic we wanted to create.  So, the question became, "What do I do with me while they cook?"  

"Not all of us are made to cook.  Some of us are made to have conversations with those who are cooking."

And, this is where the coffee cup comes into the story.  I would hold one.  Almost always.  Because, if I was holding a coffee cup I wasn't doing anything.  I was coaching, cheering, and conversating.  Sure, I'd maybe grab a box of something out of the pantry or show someone how to quickly stem a strawberry (just ask me sometime), but the coffee cup reminded me that my best contribution was not in cooking, but in accompanying.  I'd get teased regularly by the cooks and yet they also appreciated what I was doing by not doing.

Michael Eisner (the former Disney CEO) was involved with us and we talked once about his book "Camp" and his early learnings. Well, this is one of the things I learned about leadership at camp.  I learned that "my lane" as the CEO was to accompany others on their journey of growth, development, leadership, and success.  And, what I really learned was how much those I was leading appreciated it when I stayed in my lane.  Success became their success.  

I doubt if anyone notices it today, but on every 1:1 video conference call, the first thing the person I am meeting with sees is me taking a sip from a coffee cup.  It's a subtle (too subtle?) way to remind them (and me!) that "this hour is about you, your growth, your success."

So, when are you cooking, and when might you be better holding The Coffee Cup?

Stressful Week?

This week was exhausting.  I feel depleted.  Last minute additional travel with venue changes.  Challenging group.  Very little down time.  Eating and drinking a bit off the rails.

What do I know when I am feeling this way?

• Best to only make decisions that must be made right now.
• Gentleness goes a long way.  Be gentle.
• Take time to slow down.  Breathe.  
• Take a walk.  Get a good workout.
• Do some simple tasks like laundry and grocery shopping.

While it is not always pretty, these work for me.  How about you?

V

When I'm 64

It was the summer of 1971.  Kim Stamper and I were in a summer school theatre production and sang the Beatles' "When I'm 64".  You remember the lyrics... "...When I get older losing my hair many years from now..." and finally, ..."Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64??"  Kim pinged me on Facebook last year when she turned 64.  

And now, it's here for me.  What's my reflection?

I've eaten caviar in a foreign ministry and searched for a mysterious Bao Bao tree on the African Savannah.  I've served meals hanging out in a homeless center and BBQ'd for 600 to support a friend on his cancer journey.  I've been to a wet market in China and been offered drugs on the streets of Jamaica.  I've wandered the ancient Sikh in Amman and gotten lost in the Scottish Highlands.  Played with cutting edge robotics and seen the Dead Sea scrolls.  Done scavenger hunts in San Juan and Frisco, and trespassed on a military base to float the Salinas.  I've seen James Taylor in every decade and a salon quartet in Vienna.  Walked the Silk Road in the Caucasus and topped a dozen 14'rs in Colorado.

And... it's not the places.  It's the people.

Family.  Rec Lab. The Y.  YPO.  My Colorado and Palm Springs Tribes.  Partners.  Neighbors.  Lifelong friends.  Even when on the road alone, it's always the people who are most memorable.  The Muslim shop owner in Jerusalem sitting down for a coffee and sharing his story.  The guy in Revelstoke jumping on his mountain bike to ride his favorite trail together.  The fellow surf hosteller in Eraceira and the AirBnB host in Belfast.  The couple from Melbourne learning Italian in Taormina and the owner of the French Winery passing through the desert on New Years.  The Sicilian Gang in Sciacca and the Villa Roca crew in Costa Rica.  

It's always about the people.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?  The evidence says, yes!  And I love you all.

Coming up... By the end of the year, an ending to all of my current work and then an intentional gap year to see what kind of good trouble gets stirred up for 65 and beyond.  It's going to be fun.  

Onward!

V

What Did I Learn?

The young couple were getting together to plan for their wedding and marriage.  They both are committed to conscious and clear communication so they asked if I would guide them through some conversations to gently pressure test their relationship.  "Sure!", I said.  I love this stuff.

But then, they said, "But we want to celebrate!  We don't always want it to be just about the hard stuff!"

I could have been offended.  I've been told many times that having me around is hard.  And, I took their comment to heart.

While I've known about the idea of "Appreciative Inquiry" for a long time, I have just recently integrated it into every relationship check in.  It's simple.  Even when there are glaring areas for improvement, we can start in a place of appreciation.  

• "What are you accomplishing?"  
• "What are you feeling really good about?"  
• "What did you get across the finish line?" 

Any of these questions shift us to a place of appreciation which then provides an opportunity for a bunch of other good questions:

• What are we learning in these successes?
• What would an outside observer say were the key success factors?
• What positive behaviors did we bring to the table?

And then, from a place of appreciation, the conversation can shift to look at areas where we are not as satisfied.

• Where are we stuck?
• Where did we not get it done?
• What can we learn from our successes that might help us make a shift?

My desire is to capture learnings anytime I've done something well.  And then, use those learnings to give myself a boost in the areas where I feel stuck or blocked.

At the end of the weekend, they said, "That wasn't so bad, Vince.  Thanks."

Onward!

V

Am I Listening?

A while back, someone said to me, “Wow, Vince, you’re such a good listener!”  It made me wonder what it’s like to be a bad listener!  So, I asked some folks.  Here are some headlines for what I have learned about Egregiously Bad Listening:

• I’m here to Fix You.  (No matter what you say, I have the solution.)
• Make it All About Me.  (You think you have it bad!  Let me tell you about my life…)
• Should on You.  (You shouldn’t feel that way!  You shouldn’t think that!  There is something wrong with you!)
• Isn’t that Sweet?  (You obviously don’t understand what’s really going on).

 And the list could go on.

 I tend to know that I am listening by what comes out of my mouth after the speaker finishes.  There’s a good chance I’ve been listening well when my response starts with any of these phrases:

• "It sounds like you…”
• “It makes sense that you would feel…”
• “Let me see if I’m understanding you…”

 I can also check!  “Did I get that right?”

 What do you think?

 Onward!

 V

What Picture Are They Holding of You?

During a recent forum retreat I shared about a relationship that has had its ups and downs in my life.  It's been a long time since I've felt close and comfortable with the person in question.  Even though I was noting some recent interactions that were very positive, I was reluctant to determine that the relationship was "close."

A member in the group asked me a question that struck a chord.  "Vince, it sounds like you are assuming that the other person is holding an old picture of you.  It doesn't sound like you've let their perceptions of you evolve.  I wonder what picture they are holding of you today?"

What?!?  Let me unpack this.

Sometimes, when I am believing something to be true (in this case, how I am being viewed by someone), no amount of contrary evidence can alter the belief.  I cling to the certainty of my belief.  On the other hand, when I'm open to challenging the long-held belief, all the evidence can be put in the balance and I can choose a new belief.  I teach this stuff!  Damn.

Another opportunity to have a look, let go, accept myself, update the belief, and continue the journey.

Onward!

V  

What does the Label Say?

Labels are powerful.  On a cereal box, they tell you what’s inside.  On a person, it’s a different story.

Sometimes labels can build us up.  Empower us.  Help us to believe in ourselves and our capacities.  But sometimes, labels tear us down.  Make us small.  Both kinds tend to stick.

              

 “I'm selfish.”

"I'm not a good friend."

“I'm lazy.”

These are the labels people tell me they live with.  Yuck!  When confronted with an old label, I almost always ask “Where did you learn that?” and then get ready for a story from long ago that certainly may have had some truth in that moment, but has little to do with the person standing before me.

The “I'm Selfish” one really kills me.  People with this label suffer under an onslaught of internal judgment and criticism.  And the sad part?  Even if they do something totally self-less, altruistic, kind, or nice, they are immediately subject to an internal message that says, “Oh, that’s good.  You’ve put on a nice show today.  But don’t forget, you’re selfish.”  It can be very difficult to let go of old labels.

I like the idea of self-definition.  I think it’s a good idea to get curious about our labels, our identities, and be conscious of which to keep and which to let go of.  It’s a choice.  Much of our identity is given to us… gender, family of origin, specific wiring, gifts, and talents.  But, an awful lot of our identity is also given to us by imperfect people in very imperfect ways.  But guess what?  You can give an old or untrue identity back.  You don’t have to keep it.  You can let it go.  Peel the label off the box and make a new one.  

Onward!

V

What are You Reading?

 

A million years ago, a colleague admonished a group of us that "YOU MUST READ TO LEAD."  I put that in all caps because he was a really big guy with a powerful presence.  In any event, I took his comment to heart and remember it all these years later.  

I get asked the question regularly, "So, what are you reading Vince?"  And, while I comment about books here and there, I've never done a "Top 5", so here you go:

1. "15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership:  A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success."  Okay.  I read this one a long time ago (2016) but it continues to guide the way I think and approach life every day.   The idea of continually shifting to a place of maturity, curiosity, openness, candor, and 100% responsibility is simply foundational to my life.  You can learn more at www.conscious.is.  Buy the book though. 

2. "The 100-Year Life:  Living and Working in an Age of Longevity"  A really good read (maybe the individual case studies are a bit long).  The Big Idea is to decouple ourselves from the conventional three-stage life (childhood, work, retirement) and embrace a much broader definition of the tangible and intangible assets we hope to derive and deploy during our stay here.  A cool diagnostic is available at the 100-Year Life website.

3. "Waking Up:  8 Questions That Will Shift Your Life (Or Help You Do Nothing)"  Someone shared the story once of being reluctant to vote for themselves in an elementary school student council election.  The teacher admonished that is was perfectly appropriate to vote for yourself!  And, the individual won by one vote.  In any event, you likely know that I wrote this one.   Think of it as a three-hour coffee together.  AND, I think "Unpacking Anything" and "Getting to a Conscious Commitment" is solid and worth having in your toolbelt.  

4. "The 80/80 Marriage:  A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship"  This one was actually published in 2021.  Nate and Kaley open up all kinds of great territory to move from a doctrine of fairness in relationship to one of radical generosity.  I did a blog post a few months ago when it came out.  Get it.

5. Anything by Simon Sinek or Brene Brown.  Simon's "Leaders Eat Last" pairs well with any of his videos on the "Circle of Safety", "Start with Why" or any of his other big ideas.  And Brene' continues to knock it out of the park with her podcasts and published books. 

Is there more?  Sure.  Drop me a note at vince@corsarodevelopment.com  with any specific genre request or question.  Happy to share.

Onward!

V

Virtual Or Live?

When the Pandemic first hit, most of us made an instantaneous pivot to 100% virtual communication.  We learned how to Zoom, Hangout, Meet in Teams, Circle, and likely live on a half dozen other video-based platforms.  We know "Zoom Fatigue" and we've experienced both really cool moments and likely some dreary ones as well.

So, how then shall we now live?  Here's my going-forward thought:  What if we only do live that which we can't do virtually?  What this means to me:

1.  We maximize our effectiveness in virtual and asynchronous communication.  We develop mastery in remote work. 

2. We learn how to have difficult conversations virtually, and we let go of fears around not being able to connect authentically.

3.  We accept the tremendous gift of time that virtual work has afforded us by reducing all kinds of travel.

AND IMPORTANTLY,

4. We master and maximize our live gatherings to focus on HOW we're working together.  We use the time to build relationships, sit around the fire, share a meal,  connect as people first.

I know I have a significant bias here.  I've been pulling people together for meaningful group experiences for a long time and always fight for the relational side of things while my groups typically want to simply focus on the content of their work.  It's okay!  What many are learning is that much of our content work can be done virtually, but you just can't replace the fireside chat on a Zoom screen.

Let's not make it an "either/or" but a "both/and" with the positive intent of maximizing our experience whether it is in virtual space or live.  

What do you think?

Onward!

V

Is it Fair?

A million years ago I was invited to join the Rotary Club of Chino, California.  After a couple years I moved to a new town, joined the Club there, served as Club President for a year followed by many years as Club Treasurer.  Rotary was an important part of my early career life and I stayed involved enough to be recognized as “Senior Active” when I was only 42.

 The “Four Way Test” was a key guiding principle in Rotary for all the things we do, think, or say.  “Is it the truth?”  “Is it fair?”  "Will it build goodwill and better friendships?”  And finally, “Will it be beneficial to all concerned?”  These all sounded like good questions to ask. 

And then, my two good friends Nate and Kaley Klemp wrote a book, “The 80/80 Marriage” and it challenged my beliefs around the Four Way Test.  When I take a step back and think about it, “Is it Fair?” may not be the best question if the desire is a healthy relationship.  An aspiration of fairness implies a score, a ledger, an accounting.  How do we really do that in relationships?  Does planning and preparing a great meal equate to fairness if the other partner took out the trash, made the bedroom look great, and took care of the bills for the month?  Who knows?  And really, who cares?!

A Big Idea from Kaley and Nate’s book is the idea of radical generosity.  What if instead of fairness, or some sort of 50/50 equation, both people in a relationship aspire to pour in 80%?  How do things change?  To me, it starts with a change in mindset.  It means letting go of fairness as the target and replaces that with a desire to contribute.  I want to contribute to the success of this relationship!  So, “Is it Fair?” can then be replaced with, “What would generosity look like here?” 

What do you think?

Onward!

V

Optimism. Is it good?

I’ve been accused of being an eternal optimist and it occurs to me that I don’t really know what that means!

Is optimism synonymous with a “rose colored glasses” view of the world?  A Pollyanna perspective? The unrealistic or impossible?

Technically, optimism is defined as a “hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.”  There is also a broader definition set forth by the 18^th Century philosopher Gottfried Leibniz that “this world is the best of all possible worlds” and the belief that good must ultimately prevail over evil in the universe.

So, I’ll go with it.  I’m a proud optimist.  Accuse me all day long.  I will find hope in almost any circumstance and I do believe that love wins.

And, I believe that optimism can be learned if we are open to it.  We can choose a victim story of failure and loss, or we can choose a story of openness to learning, self-responsibility, and growth.  I choose the latter.  Are you with me?

Yesterday I was skiing in what I will call “butt cold” conditions.  In fact, my butt was cold!  It was not only snowing but the humidity was higher than normal Colorado conditions and the cold seeped in at every opportunity.  In another time of my life, I would have beat myself up with an old tape, “you suck at being adequately prepared in the outdoors.”  I hadn’t eaten anything in the morning.  The gloves I was wearing were more suited to a sunny spring day than a bitter cold one.  I had tried a different set of leg layers and they didn’t work well.  I could have rolled an old tape of criticism.  Instead, I noticed myself taking a more optimistic view!  “You can keep some hand warmers in your kit bag.”  “You know how to provide fuel for your body.  What can we learn from today?”  “Maybe compression tights aren’t the best base layer on cold days,” and on and on.

When we shift from failure as a total loss to failure or difficulty as a temporary and specific condition, it opens the field up to learn, take responsibility, and make specific changes in our behaviors going forward.  It worked for me yesterday.  And today, I’m staying in by the fire.

More?  Check out this article on Learned Optimism.

Onward!

V

The Much Bigger Story

I just LOVE history professor Heather Cox Richardson’s daily “Letters from an American.” Today’s reflection on the Civil War roots of the US Thanksgiving Holiday inspired me. 

Heather reminds us that today is ALWAYS lived in the context of a much bigger story.  We didn't get here in a day.  And, so far, we've lived through every single day, good or tough, and we're still here to tell about it.  Sometimes, I like to reflect on the question, "Is there a bigger story here?" and see if there is a nugget of wisdom I might give myself from a learning or moment in a past experience.  I do believe that it is in reflecting on and anchoring our learnings that we will break the adage of "history repeating itself."

We are a resilient and scrappy bunch, and I’m hopeful each of us will emerge from this season a bit kinder, more generous, and full of a love that spreads beyond any border we might create. 

Onward, one and all!

V

What is “Help”?

I don’t really know who suggested I read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” when I was a teenager.  It might have been my Dad.  I do remember conversations with him about the book.  My sister Kitty was also a fan.

One of my key takeaways from Rand’s writing was the idea of “self-care” being branded as “selfish”.  That somehow, those who had pursued a creative vision and amassed a certain success owed something to those who had sat back, not pursued their best, or made excuses with all the reasons that they were hobbled or victimized and therefore unable to advance themselves.  The rejection of this notion is what led Galt and his compadres to Colorado to create a community of creatives who pulled back from allowing society to be vampires of their work, effort, and contribution.  It was an extreme story line with all kinds of gaps, frankly.  The underlying message though rings true for me today and contributes to my desire to take 100% responsibility for the circumstances of my life and my part in all relationships, as well as to enjoy a life of good self-care, and to pursue creativity and adventure. 

And, it leaves me with a question… “What responsibility do I choose to take for those in need?”

Pondering this has led me to think about the idea of help and “What is helpful?”  I realize now that I have stepped in to help many people and groups in my life.  And, many times, they had not asked me for help.  Or, they didn’t ask for the help that I perceived they needed.  A story from 2006 sticks with me.

I’m in a village about 25 miles from Tamale, Ghana, which was a three day drive from the capital City of Accra on the south-facing coast of Western Africa.  I had met up with a friend from Los Angeles who was visiting a Peace Corps volunteer and looking at possibly funding an eco-tourism project in the region.

We stayed in a small compound with three mud huts.  Electricity service was on about 50% of the time, however cell phone reception was perfect.  There was no running water, but each compound had a 55-gallon drum that was filled each morning from the village well by the youngest members of the household.  Life was simple, pleasant, clean.

One morning, I asked Rahim (the teenaged houseboy for the Peace Corps volunteer) if I could accompany him to the well.  While at first he was reluctant, I persisted, and he agreed to have me tag along to observe the daily ritual.

What I saw was beautiful.

The young people of the community each carried containers to the well and while there played a dance of roles and connection.  The youngest of the young manned the manual pumps.  The older ones flirted with one another.  Everyone contributed in the end, and disbanded after a time to carry their containers back to their respective families.

While we were walking back, I noticed a standard American-Style water spigot sticking out of the ground beside the road.  “Rahim,” I asked, “What is that about?”

“Oh, that’s been there for 20 or 30 years.  Someone from America put in a water line from Tamale.”

“Wow,” I said with a puzzled expression.  He could sense my confusion and went on to say, “Oh, it doesn’t work.  It hasn’t worked for years.  We really never needed it, so no one cared about fixing it.”

Later, I connected some of the dots of Rahim’s explanation with others in the village.  And, it shifted the story in my mind of what communities on the African continent are really about, what is really needed, and the Western story of “help” that I had been exposed to throughout my life.  I realized that my perception of “help” often comes from my perceived solution for someone else’s life.  And, when I step in to provide my version of help, I often rob the individual or group involved of the opportunity to take responsibility for their own circumstances.  And that is 180 degrees opposite the desire in my own life and the lives of others.  Yikes!

So, how then shall I live? 

My posture today is to pull back a bit from those who in my perception are not “all in” in their own lives.  By “all in”, I mean, taking responsibility for their lives and their current circumstances, pursuing their best, seeking and creating stability and peace, before stirring up chaos and confusion.  This posture may put me at odds with some of the systemic cultural issues of our time and the long-term victimization of certain groups.  It may also put me at odds with those who have accepted or become dependent on my “help”.

And, it’s a place to start.  “What are your thoughts on Help?”

Onward!

V